A Brimful of Drabble
by mfindlow
Summary: A collection of drabble inspired by the TW100 Challenge, and other non-challenge drabble.
1. Forest through the trees

A/N - Thanks to badly-knitted for inspiring me to have a go at drabble fics. Totally addicted!

Working on a much larger fic but currently it's 37K+ and 12mths in progress. Since I don't write chronologically, it will have to wait until it's completed.

In the meantime, loving the challenge of writing drabble. All the bits I love to indulge in, but can't include in my larger, more serious writing.

Enjoy!

Ianto liked his world organised. Files neatly stacked, equipment boxed up and tidy, everything sorted, alphabetised and chronological. Or at least as chronological as working with a space-time rift would allow.

Yet he found this forest utterly disturbing. Every tree was exactly the same height, exactly the same width, exactly the same space apart from the next. Each tree had exactly the same number of branches, and he'd bet if he could count them, exactly the same number of leaves.

'This isn't a real forest.' He declared.

'What makes you say that?' Jack asked.

'This one is blinking at me.'


	2. Can you Can-Can?

Gwen and Ianto stood there and stared at it.

'It's-'

'Mmm...'

'Well, it does have-'

'Yep.'

'And you don't' suppose-

'No.'

Owen huffed in frustration, mounting the stairs of the autopsy bay to see what was going on.

'Would you two stop being so bloody cryptic? What the hell is- Oh, that's different.'

'Yeah.' They both agreed.

Jack sauntered out from his office and peered over their shoulders at the monitor in front of them.

'Huh,' he said and kept walking.

'That's it? That's all you have to say?' Gwen remarked astonished.

Jack shrugged. 'I didn't know weevils could 'Can-Can'?'


	3. Pain

Pain.

It was the only word he could find to describe it.

Standing there and watching the young man weeping for his lost love, completely unaware that he was kneeling in a pool of blood.

Oblivious to the exploding circuits and warped metal, the flashing lights and the darkness. He was trapped in a darkness of a different kind.

An empty darkness with no light and no hope; no warmth and no love. A darkness that was almost impossible to escape from.

Jack's own heart broke over and over again at the sight of so much pain.

I love you.


	4. Rhys' many attributes

Rhys was Gwen's hero and he knew it.

He wasn't Torchwood but that was okay. He'd done space whales and ghost trains, killer clones and weevil warzones. He'd been Gwen's rock when she'd needed it most, and always would be.

He also made amazing spag bol, and wasn't half bad on the rugby pitch.

But this? This was going to ruin all of that. His reputation as Gwen's can-do, selflessly brave, hero of the hour was all about to be undone in a matter of moments.

He cursed at the pages in front of him once more.

Bloody flat-pack furniture!


	5. Date night

Jack gave him one of those ridiculously childish grins.

'It's date night again!' he exclaimed, bouncing up to Ianto and grabbing him from behind, squeezing him in a bear hug.

'Excellent,' Ianto sighed, 'what could possibly go wrong? No disrespect to Tosh, but her rift predictor program needs work; else you've purposely coincided date night with rift activity every single time.'

'Hey, what's not to like about that? A little wine and dine, a little weevil chase, the odd hungry hoix, followed by some amazing lovemaking afterwards.' Jack grinned again.

'You truly are the last of the great romantics, Jack.'


	6. Hypernog

A/N - TW100 Challenge 324 - Ate Too Much/New Year's Resolutions.

It was always a mistake letting Rhys' parents take charge of Christmas dinner.

Even more so when Gwen had to explain why Ianto was standing at her doorstep on Christmas day right when Rhys' father was about to start carving the turkey. And even more so when Ianto was standing there with Jack leaning on him and giggling stupidly.

'Jack offered to make the egg nog again this year didn't he?'

'If you mean, did he make it with hypervodka, then yes.'

'Put him on the couch then,' Gwen sighed.

'Next year I'm taking him to my sister's. End of.'


	7. Queen of the Nile

'No.'

'But Ianto-'

'No.'

'But-'

'No.'

'Please. Gwen and Tosh are both down with flu. We have to attend this party to have any chance of catching them.'

'I will not play Cleopatra to your Anthony.'

'But the costumes are already here. There's no time to go back and get replacements. Besides, we'll be the hottest couple there!'

'No, absolutely not.'

'What exactly is your problem? That you'll be dressed as a woman?'

'No.'

'Then what?'

'I will not show my midriff in public.'

'That's it? I'm going bare chested!'

'You go completely naked and I'll consider it.'

'Done!'

'Rats.'


	8. An incident with toast

'He's done it again! That's it! No more nights at my flat. Ever!'

'Trouble in paradise,' Owen murmured to Gwen with a knowing smile.

'Alright Teaboy, what's he done this time?'

'Marmalade! On the bedsheets no less!'

Gwen interjected. 'Are you sure it was-'

'Yes! He's on decaf for a week.'

Tosh put a placating hand on his shoulder.

'I'm sure he didn't mean to, Ianto.'

'Probably not,' he said, calming down slightly, 'but really, how hard is it to eat toast off someone's chest?'

'In fairness,' Jack stated, 'I did still have my- in your-'

'Stop!' they all shouted.


	9. Where's the sub?

A/N -=A preview from my upcoming fic, modified slightly for drabble.

The tunnels down here were cavernous, like giant railway tunnels, red-bricked and smelling stale and mildewy. They weren't railway tunnels of course, Ianto had explained to her once; there simply had never been any historical record of an underground rail network in Cardiff.

Jack had told him some cockamamie story about submarines but he said he hadn't believed a word of it.

'Honestly', he'd said,' how would you ever get a submarine into Torchwood?' And decades before the barrage had been built? When there was no Cardiff Bay, just swampy tidal flats? It just wasn't possible.

Ianto had been had.


	10. Unexpected visitor

A/N - TW100 Challenge 323 - Unexpected Visitors

Martha entered the door to the tourist office and came face to face with Ianto.

He smiled, thumbing a magazine.

'Sorry we're closing.'

She held up her ID and he bolted to attention.

'Ma'am.'

They walked down the darkened passageway.

'You must be Ianto Jones. Jack's told me all about you.'

'Figures,' he said, rolling his eyes in the dark, 'but he's mentioned nothing about you.'

She stopped and turned to face him.

'But,' he continued quickly, 'if you work for UNIT and he's still talking to you, you must be something special.'

Martha smiled.

She liked Ianto Jones already.


	11. A good vine goes to war

A/N - TW100 Challenge 314 - Weeds. A double drabble because stopping at one was never going to be enough.

'We really need to deal with that vine thing today,' Ianto said as he and Jack lay curled in bed in Jack's bunker.

'Yep, it's starting to cause real problems. Owen nearly broke his leg coming down the stairs when the thing tripped him up, and Tosh is worried it's going to get in the electricals and short out our systems.

Meanwhile, Jack's hand had been wandering beneath the covers.

'Jack, not now.'

'What do you mean?'

'You mean that isn't your hand?'

'Right, broken legs will mend, computers can be replaced, but frisking my boyfriend? That vine goes today!'

* * *

Gwen turned in her chair as Jack thundered past.

'Is Jack carrying what I think he is?'

Ianto barely raised an eyebrow.

'If you mean a flamethrower, then yes.'

'Does he think that will work?'

'I don't think that's on his list of priorities. He just wants to inflict damage on it.'

'Lucky for us it hasn't attacked anyone.'

'Oh, I wouldn't say that.'

'Why?'

'It attacked Jack's ego by trying to come on to me.'

Owen smirked at the spectacle Jack was making.

'It's done for, then. Rest in peace, viney. Anyone got popcorn? This could take a while.'


	12. Roll out the green carpet

A/N - TW100 Challenge 293 - Going Green

'Right, so what did we tell the council?'

'That some kids from University of South Wales thought it would be amusing to cover the plass with quick grow turf.'

'And what did we tell the public?'

'That the council thought it would be a good idea to promote environmental consciousness by creating a temporary green space for people to enjoy.'

'And how long is it going to take us to get rid of it?'

'Owen's devised a spray that's stopped it from spreading further. Forecast rain should also stop the spores from dispersing.'

'Three cheers for miserable Welsh weather.'

'Indeed.'


	13. Anyone for pizza?

'I'm dying of starvation,' Jack moaned.

'Then it's lucky that you can't die.'

'When you said come over for pizza, I didn't think you meant you were making it from scratch.'

'It'll be worth it.'

'That's what you said half an hour ago, and you've only just finished making the dough for the base. If we'd ordered out, they would have been here twenty minutes ago. Where's the pepperoni?'

'There isn't any. It's smoked salmon and bocconcini. Patience is a virtue Jack.'

Jack laid his head on the counter and huffed.

'Lucky I don't get old either in that case.'


	14. The Weevinator

A/N - Couldn't help resurrecting someone from The Sin Eaters...

'Ianto, what's going on with Janet?'

'What do you mean?'

'She's been curled up at the back of her cell for hours now. Just look at the CCCTV.'

They both went down to the cell to investigate and were stunned at the answer to their mystery fear mongerer. In front of Janet's cell was sat Pusska, swishing her tail from side to side menacingly and growling in her cat like way. Whenever Janet made to move, her growling grew more threatening.

'Wondered where that cat had got to.'

'Keeps her cool when faced with weevils. Maybe we should hire her.'


	15. Keep calm and shoot

Ianto was down in the firing range.

He needed the practice.

More than that he needed to process. Jack had abandoned them.

He tried to block out the memories of time spent here with Jack. Tried to block out the desire to leave Torchwood behind, because he knew he couldn't abandon the team. Not like Jack had.

So he fired. Each target hit with a clinical precision fuelled by a need to feel in control.

Breathe.

Shot after shot after shot, until the only evidence that remained of his anger and his grief were the dozens of spent shell casings.


	16. What rhymes with

A/N - TW100 Challenge 299 - Green Eggs and Ham

He couldn't stop it.

'Would you like a coffee Jack?'

'Yes I can, cause Sam I am.'

'Jack we've got reports of an unidentified spacecraft crash landing in the bay.'

'Can it float with a goat? Could we keep it in a moat?'

He clamped his hands over his mouth in an attempt to stop it.

'Tosh' you really need to fix this,' moaned Owen.

'Yeah,' agreed Ianto. 'I've cancelled his call with the PM, and I've had to rewrite four of his mission reports already. I'd have a fifth, but he couldn't find a word that rhymes with hoix.'


	17. Special delivery

A/N - Another character resurrected...

Jack and Ianto entered the morgue in a solemn mood.

The porter indicated the body to be retrieved and Ianto handled the paperwork whilst Jack approached the tray.

'Oh, my old friend, this planet won't be the same without you.'

'You know,' said Ianto, 'I never thought Alexander would ever die. He had that, you know, determined quality. '

'Yeah, pain in the arse sometimes, but you could always count on him in a pinch. God rest his soul.'

'Oh, quit with the eulogy you ninnies and just get me out of here! Thought I'd never escape that retirement prison!'


	18. Remember to breathe

'I need you to focus and just breathe Ianto.'

Ianto tried to concentrate on Jack's voice but founding himself drifting in its hypnotic timbre. His limbs felt heavy but he forced himself to breathe deeply.

Suddenly the world around him didn't seem to matter and it fell away from his conscious mind.

After an eternity Jack shook his shoulder and he awoke from his trance. He felt his mind lightened and unburdened.

'What was that?'

'A hypno-meditative state taught to me by a yogi in the 62nd century.'

'Incredible, it's like floating on a cloud.'

'Out of darkness comes light.'


	19. Simple pleasures

A/N - TW100 Challenge 270 - Snowflake

It was a freezing morning in Cardiff, so the number of people out and about was minimal.

Wrapped tightly in his coat and scarf, Ianto walked across the plass, feeling the chill air on his face.

He came to stand by the water tower and observed the intricate pattern of snowflakes tracing their way across its mirrored surface. He touched a warm finger against the glass and watched as the icy stars fled from his touch, melting into insignificance, and smiled at their simple beauty.

Jack walked up from behind, smiling.

'You're too cute when you do that,' he mused.


	20. Who's that girl?

It was a grand reception at St David's hotel.

Gwen was the bait.

Dressed in a tightly fitted red gown that split halfway up her leg and met in a v halfway down her bosom.

Rhys would've had the kneecaps of all three Torchwood men if he'd seen the way they gawked.

But Jack didn't care, she was stunning, no doubt about it.

As he continued to stare, Ianto cleared his throat. 'Enjoying the view?'

'Just wondering how she hid her gun in that dress.'

'Clearly you've not watched enough Bond movies.'

'Speaking of enjoying the view, where's yours hidden?'


	21. Magic

'Go on pick a card.'

Owen looked at him sceptically, before slipping a card or from the middle of the deck.

'I'm betting it's the eight of diamonds.'

'Nope, three of clubs,' Owen smirked, less than impressed.

'Ianto, pick a card,' Jack persevered.

'Do we have to do this again?'

'It'll work this time,' he said reshuffling the deck. Ianto drew a card.

'Five of spades?'

'Ten of hearts.'

'Huh, this must be an ordinary deck. Where did I put those psychic cards then?'

'Well,' Owen declared, 'that explains how he fleeced us all at poker the other night, then.'


	22. The mountain

'I really hate coming here,' moaned Owen.

'You spend all day underground at the hub, a bit of fresh air wouldn't kill you.' Jack retorted. 'Remember last time we came out here? Gwen was shot and Ianto was nearly lamb chops.' 'Thanks Owen,' Gwen shot back.

'It's mountainous terrain and we don't know what we're looking for. I'm going up here and if I can't see anything I'm going home.'

Owen reached the top of the hill and shouted back down at them.

'See, nothing here.'

'Should we tell him he's standing on it?'

'What? And spoil all the fun?'


	23. A bit dusty

A/N - TW100 Challenge 325 - Clean Slate

'God, I wish I could put that on Facebook.'

'You mean you actually got footage of it?' Jack asked.

'Oh, yeah,' Gwen smiled.

'What did we miss?' Tosh asked, noticing Owen covered in strange white dust. 'Report was that Ysgol Cwmbran had ghosts.'

'No such thing as ghosts,' retorted Ianto.

'Tell that to the flying blackboard dusters that chased Owen around the place for twenty minutes slapping him. Simple case of Osveronian mites. Had to use a dustbin to catch them mid flight.'

'I'm off for a shower,' grumbled Owen.

'Gives a whole new meaning to wiping the slate clean.'


	24. Start again

A/N - TW100 Challenge 325 - Clean Slate

He snuck quietly into the flat.

It wasn't hard. There was nothing for him to trip over, no furniture, knick-knacks, no indications a living soul occupied it at all.

He opened the fridge, retcon in hand. All he found was a single, sealed water bottle. Cupboards were empty.

Had he left? Was he too late? Surely no one could live like this? Certainly not the man he'd worked with.

In the bedroom a lone figure huddled on the floor.

Lisa was dead. He couldn't take away memories from a man who had nothing else.

'Ianto, tomorrow we start clean slate.'


	25. No more

A/N - TW100 Challenge 325 - Clean Slate

Alex was a good man. Hell, Alex had been a great man.

And now the metallic tang of his blood filled Jack's nostrils.

In the background, the cheering sounds of crowds in London ringing in the New Year felt hollow and empty.

What was there left to cheer about?

Everyone at Torchwood was dead. Everyone except him, doomed to remain here until everyone was dead.

He inhaled deeply and stood up, reviled by the death around him.

No more. No more deaths, he decided. It was his job now to protect them from more death.

A new start for Torchwood.


	26. Regrets

A/N - TW100 Challenge 325 - Clean Slate

Initially she'd though 'Can I do this? I mean, really, really do this?

It was only enough for a few hours, just long enough to come clean with Rhys and admit the affair. After that it wouldn't matter that he didn't remember, she'd know it was okay and they could start over and go back to how things were before.

Before she could reconsider she'd pocketed the retcon and rushed out the door.

He'd lost it at her, but there wasn't time for forgiveness.

Now that he was asleep all she could think was, 'oh god, what have I done?'


	27. Loose change

Owen had been charged with picking up lunch for the team. He settled on egg and bacon rolls and sweet pastries.

He handed over the money and the cashier frowned.

'Sorry sir, but you can't pay with these.'

Owen rolled his eyes. Not more of those stupid Bristol pounds, he thought.

Inspecting them more closely, he noticed they all had Tosh's face on them.

Sigh. 'Do you take credit cards?'

When he got back he showed Ianto the coins.

'Jack, have you been in the petty cash tin again? What have I told you?'

'I had to borrow a twenty!'


	28. Waiting

A/N - Hoping to extend this one further. Stay tuned.

A record shop in this day and age was almost unheard of. Full of shabby old B sides, second-hand cast-offs and scratch records that we'll well past their functional use. It was a wonder they could even afford the rent to keep the place going.

But tucked away in a forgotten corner of the shop, in a crate that hadn't been moved since there had still been eight Ramones, it sat quietly, waiting.

It remained only to be played and its message would spread out to people across this planet and they would com.

Then this world would be theirs.


	29. Soup

Jack's phone rang early.

'Ianto! To what do I owe the pleasure at this fine hour? I missed you last night.'

'I'm not coming into work today.'

'Why's that?'

'I'm too sick to get out of bed.'

'I'm sending Owen straight over to check you and run some tests. It could be that plant thing he was messing with yesterday. Or perhaps it was something from the restricted archives? I've told you before you spend too much time down there.'

'Jack, relax. I've got the flu.'

'Oh, well, that's okay then. Can I bring you some chicken soup?'

'Yes, please.'


	30. Bow tie

Ianto delivered their coffee as usual.

'What's with the bow tie?' they all asked.

'I'm testing to see how long it takes Jack to notice.'

'I bet he'll notice straight away,' said Tosh.

'Me too.'

'Same here.'

All day Jack said nothing. He'd brought him coffee, fetched artefacts and even had a chaste snog in one of the corridors.

'All right, I give up. Haven't you noticed I'm wearing a bow tie?'

'Of course. I noticed straight away, but I had a bet with the others as to how long it would take you to confront me about not noticing.'


	31. Egg and other stains

It was always something hard. Egg, brown sauce, paint, oh, and of course blood. Never a short supply of blood. Not to mention the tears and missing buttons.

He had a lengthy customer file with every dry cleaner in Cardiff. It was impossible not to given how often he was there.

Even so they must wonder how he ever got things in such a state so often. But they were too polite to ask, and none wanted to offend such a reliable source of income.

He frowned at the coat.

'That guy in Cathays never gets all the blood out.'


	32. Surprises

Jack arrived at Ianto's flat at seven, finding him in the kitchen.

'Smells great.'

'Just a lamb roast.'

'Can I set the table for you?'

'That would be great.'

When Jack hadn't returned, Ianto went to find him.

Jack had indeed set the table, including two glasses of red wine, two lit candles, a bowl of chocolates and single red rose. He stood looking slightly proud of himself.

'I thought we were keeping things simple.'

'This is simple. I cancelled the string quartet.'

'Well it was a very nice surprise.'

'Wait until you see the surprise in your bedroom. '


	33. A time to repent

A/N - TW100 Challenge 325 - Clean Slate

Tears streaked down his face as he looked at the tiny pill sitting in his hand.

All he had to do was swallow it and he could start over.

They wouldn't even miss him. He'd been invisible up until they'd discovered Lisa.

If anything, Jack was probably coming around to retcon him anyway. At least this way he got to do it on his own terms.

As he sat there he though back over the past 6 months of lies. Should be punished for what he did?

Maybe retcon wasn't the answer.

Maybe he needed to atone for his sins.


	34. Play time

A/N - TW100 Challenge 325 - Clean Slate

Jack flew out the door, kite in hand, streaking a trail of colour behind him.

'Have you finished your homework?'

'No.'

'Well, you're not going out and playing with Gray until it's done.'

'But Mum!'

'No excuses, son. Go.'

Jack returned ten minutes later and presented her with the slate board.

She looked at the scribbled formulas appraisingly and then scrubbed it blank with her sleeve.

'If you're not going to do it properly, don't bother. Good heavens, what would your father say?'

Jack begrudgingly took the slate back and trudged off.

He'll be trouble when he's older, she thought.


	35. Ice cold

It was shock more than anything else.

Falling.

He hadn't even realised he'd hit the water because all he could feel was a thousand tiny needles jabbing his skin. It was unlike anything he'd ever experienced. They coldness of the water assaulted his senses and the chill wind froze on his face.

He could feel his brain shut down as the intensity of the pain faded.

Suddenly the pain returned anew, as he felt his body being pulled.

There were arms wrapped tightly around him, and the feel of familiar coarse wool as water dripped from him.

'I've got you.'


	36. In the mood

Not everything the rift spat out was alien, or even interesting for that matter.

'Oh, man, I love these things!' Jack cried excitedly, picking it up and holding it up in the air.

Gwen frowned at him, but found it hard to keep up the pretence. Jack's personality was infectious at the best of times.

'What is it with you and the seventies?'

'Hey, they were good times. Free love, rocking music and kinky clothes. I've been trying to get Ianto to do some seventies role play for months. This could be just the ticket. '

'A lava lamp? '


	37. Hidden

The archives were Ianto's domain.

He knew where everything was kept, and more to the point where he kept things hidden from Jack.

In a rarely used corner of vault 78 was a large crate marked sbwriel saithdegau.

Jack refused to learn Welsh so he had no inclination to look inside the crate.

Object in hand, Ianto prised open the crate and updated the register of contents. Four disco balls, twelve Beegees records, fourteen pairs of bell bottom pants, six pairs of men's platform shoes, a light up dance floor, and now six lava lamps.

Jack's seventies obsession ended here.

A/N - apologies for the translation. My Welsh is awful!


	38. Antigonish

A/N - My interpretation of the poem Antigonish by William Huges Mearns.

Yesterday, upon the stair,

I met a man who wasn't there.

_That first night with the weevil in Bute Park. Capturing Myfanwy in the warehouse. Working at Torchwood. Falling in love._

He wasn't there again today,

_Everywhere reminders of you. Your office, your coffee mug, the SUV, your scent on my pillow._

I wish, I wish he'd go away...

_I feel empty and sick all the time._

When I came home last night at three,

The man was waiting there for me

_I dreamt of you again last night. Those eyes, that smile, your gentle touch, your sweet kisses._

But when I looked around the hall,

I couldn't see him there at all!

_Then I woke and knew the truth. I knew you'd gone and weren't coming back._

Go away, go away, don't you come back any more!

Go away, go away, and please don't slam the door...

_Why can't I just forget you, like you forgot me?_

Last night I saw upon the stair,

A little man who wasn't there,

_I feel like I'm losing my mind. _

He wasn't there again today

Oh, how I wish he'd go away...

_You being gone hurts more than I can bear._


	39. Soccer

A/N - my own little tribute to my wonderful Bluebirds. May you always be blue!

Ianto still managed to surprise him.

He carried off casual with understated elegance. Jeans, windbreaker and a blue and white striped scarf draped over his shoulders.

'Soccer fan? Really? '

'The few Saturdays we have off, this is the only one I've managed to convince you to not spend entirely in bed.'

'Big game?'

'Are you kidding? Win today and we'll make the playoffs.'

The crowd erupted in a loud hail of cheers and chanting, Ianto included, as players walked onto the pitch.

Jack smiled. You could take the boy out of Wales but you couldn't take Wales out of the boy.


	40. Unusual melody

A/N - TW100 Challenge 326 - Doctor's Visit

The SUV approached in the dark and the rain.

It was surprising to find a woman caught in the headlights bending over something.

'Oh goodie,' moaned Owen, 'spectators.'

As they approached the woman stood up turning to face them. They were stuck by her elegant face and thick curled hair.

'Sorry darlings, nothing to worry about. A bit tricky, but quick trip through the rift sorted him out. We won't hold you up.'

Jack stepped forward and extended his hand.

'Captain Jack Harkness, and who are you?' not bothering to disguise his leering.

'Hello sweetie, Doctor Song at you service.'


	41. Check-up

A/N - TW100 Challenge 326 - Doctor's Visit

Tosh hated the routine medical examinations Owen subjected them to every month.

None of them particularly enjoyed them, but for some reason Tosh felt like a duck out of water sitting in the autopsy bay being poked and prodded.

Internal exams were okay, all she had to do was put her hand on the glass plate and let alien tech do the rest. She'd even quipped to Owen that it almost made him redundant.

'Just relax Tosh,' Owen said, 'I know what I'm doing'

How could she relax when Owen's touch had her heart going a million miles an hour?


	42. Late

A/N - Inspired by TW100 Challenge 326 - Doctor's Visit but I couldn't bring myself to split this one up so it's a double.

Jack was standing atop the roof of the Millennium Centre staring out into the night. The charred hole was all that remained of the plass below.

The familiar sound of the TARDIS appeared on the roof nearby.

Doors flung open and a slightly dishevelled Doctor in his suit and trainers stumbled out.

'Jack! Hullo! Right, where are we at with this 456 business? Time to send them packing.'

'They're gone.' Jack mumbled.

'Oh, good. TARDIS timing might've been a bit off, I guess. Well, I'll be off then if I'm not needed.'

Jack spun furiously and pushed the Doctor hard.

* * *

You didn't touch the Doctor. Jack didn't care.

'Don't you get it? They're gone, they're all gone! Steven, Ianto, Owen, Tosh, Torchwood. It's all gone because you weren't here!'

The Doctor turned and saw the devastation below for himself.

'Jack, I'm so sorry. If I'd known I would have been here sooner.'

'Would you? Then go back now and fix it!'

'Jack, you know I can't. Some things can't be changed.'

'Fixed points…' Jack muttered cynically.

'I'm sorry.' And he was.

'But- you can't stay here forever. Come with me.'

'No,' Jack said coldly, 'you and I are done. Forever.'


	43. On target

'Can I just say I have serious misgivings about this?'

'Nonsense, I've been stuck in the Vegas Galaxy down to my last penny and won it all back with this trick.'

'And if you miss?'

'Don't worry, I'd never ruin a face as pretty as yours. Now just stay still.'

Ianto had no problem complying. Tempted to close his eyes, he figured Jack would concentrate better if Ianto met his gaze with a look that dared him not to miss.

He stopped breathing as he felt the object brush air past his cheek.

'Ha! Knife throwing! Still got the knack!'


	44. Worth remembering

A/N - Another double drabble inspired by TW100 Challenge 326 - Doctor's Visit.

A memorial service for Owen and Tosh. It wasn't how Martha envisaged her return to Cardiff.

The afternoon was crisp but clear as she walked up the grassy knoll whereby stood Jack, Ianto, Gwen and Rhys. She hugged Jack warmly.

The families had done their own services last week. Torchwood had steered well clear of their grief.

They laid flowers; Gwen white lilies, Ianto yellow daffodils. Tosh had called them Welsh happy flowers.

Jack's words were few; each more choked than the one before, but spoken with love and respect. Martha gripped his hand when he couldn't go on further.

* * *

Gwen clung to Rhys and sobbed quietly. Ianto hadn't made a sound, eyes glistening with unshed tears.

When it seemed none of them could stand their grief any longer they made to depart. Martha stopped to hug Gwen before Rhys wrapped his arm around Gwen's shoulder and led her away, Martha in tow.

Jack looked at Ianto. Unmoving, he seemed trapped in some unspeakable sorrow. Taking his hand, he stood in front of him and wiped away the tear that had stained his cheek.

Jack was going to get them all hideously drunk tonight. It's what Owen would have wanted.


	45. Medical assistance

A/N - TW 100 Challenge 326 - Doctor's visit

'No, no, no, no, no. There was no way this was happening today. Today!' she thought, 'of all the bloody days!'

Okay, so she'd gotten very pissed last night, but there was no way a hangover would cause hallucinations. What she saw in the mirror was very, very real.

'Right,' she told herself, 'don't panic, Gwen. Call Jack. Or call Owen? No, call Jack.'

'Gwen!' He answered brightly, 'not having seconds thoughts are you?'

'Save it Jack Harkness and get over here right now! And bring Owen with you.'

'What's wrong?'

'It would seem I'm pregnant. On my wedding day!'


	46. Call out

A/N - Tw100 Challenge 326 - Doctor's visit

Ianto was sicker than Jack had ever seen him.

The bedsheets were soaked damp with sweat, and his skin was red hot, yet he shivered with frightening cold.

Jack had suggested Owen come and check him over but the young man had protested that he would be fine in the morning and just needed to sleep it off.

That had been several hours ago.

Now Jack couldn't get anything coherent out of him.

Pressing a wet cloth to his forehead with one hand and fumbling with his phone in the other, he knew he had to get Owen here now.


	47. Sick days

A/N - Tw100 Challenge 326 Doctor's visit

Owen didn't do sick days.

He did sleep in days, hungover days, there's a woman still in my bed days and just can't be bothered going to work days, none of which were genuinely good reasons to call in sick, but he didn't actually get sick.

Years of medical training had him on autopilot for preventing infectious germs, and exposure to aliens at Torchwood had immunized him against most else.

Looking at himself in the mirror now though, and seeing the green and blue splotches that covered his entire body, he admitted that this definitely qualified for a sick day.


	48. Staying mysterious

A/N - TW100 Challenge 327 - Anniversary

Jack smiled as he drew a cross in the box, adding to the series of other crosses.

Ianto, who'd entered with his coffee raised an eyebrow curiously.

'What are you doing?'

'Nothing,' Jack said innocently.

'An immortal man who can't even be bothered figuring out his birthday yet has started marking off time for no particular reason?'

'I like to stay mysterious. It's one of the many things you find endearing about me.'

'Okay. Keep your secrets then.' he said as he exited.

Jack smiled again and went back to his calendar.

Ianto's anniversary surprise was going to be amazing.


	49. Reminders

A/N - TW100 Challenge 327 - Anniversary

A year ago today. How could it have felt so long?  
His vortex manipulator still didn't work so even hopping across the universe, an earth year still passed in much the same way no matter where he ended up.  
And it still hurt to remember those he'd left behind.  
Even sitting here now on the chilly shores on this unknown world he couldn't help but see all of the ways it reminded him of home. Yes, he'd still think of it as home.  
But he couldn't return, even if he wanted to. The pain was far too much to bear.


	50. Another year

A/N - TW100 Challenge 327 - Anniversary

Ianto entered Jack's office with fresh coffee, the newspaper and a muffin.  
'Oh, what's the occasion?'  
'Nothing particularly. Just that this marks a year for me at Torchwood Three. Didn't think I'd make it out of Torchwood One the day the Cybermen came, but here we are.'  
'Mmm,' Jack agreed distractedly as Ianto left him to it.  
Glancing out the window he saw his team working and talking and laughing over coffee.  
Safe and whole. They'd made it. All of them. Despite everything Torchwood threw at them.  
'Pray to the gods they all survive to see another year,' thought Jack.


	51. Sacrifices

A/N - TW100 Challenge 327 - Anniversary

It wasn't the anniversary he'd had planned.  
He was going to stop by the grocers in town and pick out the most beautiful bunch of flowers he could find, and surprise her on the doorstep of her parents house.  
Instead Germans had declared war on Poland, and Churchill had demanded men to fight for the Empire.  
He would have to go and leave her behind, his beloved Estelle. He'd leave behind Torchwood as well, but that wouldn't worry him.  
He'd gladly throw his life away in the trenches rather than make some of the sacrifices that Torchwood required of him.


	52. Important dates

A/N - TW100 Challenge 327 - Anniversary

Ianto sighed happily as he snuggled closer to Jack.  
He couldn't remember a time anymore when they didn't spend every other moment together.  
How long had it been? Did they have an anniversary? What would it be? At what point did he start counting? Their first kiss, their first shag, their first proper date, the first time he hadn't used it as an excuse to deceive Jack because he was hiding Lisa, the first time he realised he was in love?  
In the end he decided it was unimportant.  
All that mattered was that they had each other right now.


	53. Best laid plans

A/N - TW100 Challenge 327 - Anniversary

Rhys had everything planned for their anniversary. Dinner reservations for eight, bags already packed and in the boot for the hotel room he'd booked, and a bunch of bright flowers that he'd just picked up during lunch.  
Then he got the call. Gwen would be working late tonight. Very late.  
Sighing resignedly, he took the bouquet and placed it on Ruth's desk in front of her.  
'Oh, Rhys love, it's not my birthday!'  
'That's okay,' he said.  
As he walked back to his office he heard her whispering loudly to large Mandy.  
'Not very good at remembering dates, is he?'


	54. Anticipation

A/N - TW100 Challenge 327 - Anniversary

Tosh tried to contain her excitement as she settled into bed.  
Tomorrow they'd be waking up Tommy after another whole year of being frozen.  
Jack had even granted permission in advance so that she could take him out sightseeing . It was the least they could do considering what Torchwood put him through.  
As she lay there she wondered if he'd be different tomorrow, then dismissed the idea as silly. After all, for him it was just like waking up tomorrow.  
He'd be just as handsome and charming as always.  
Tomorrow, she thought excitedly, she couldn't wait to wake up.


	55. Pirate for a day

A/N - TW100 Challenge 328 - National days

Owen was accustomed to weird, but this was a horse of a different colour.

'Ahoy!' Gwen and Tosh greeted him.

'Um, yeah,' he slowly answered, looking to escape quietly. 'Ah, there's Ianto,' he thought, 'a little piece of normal'.

'Couldn't get us a coffee mate?'

'I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request.'

'Say what?'

'That means no.'

Huffing, he walked to Jack's office.

'Harkness! What the hell-' he stopped dead. Jack was parading round his office dressed like a pirate.

'Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please sir!'

'I don't see your ship, Captain.'

'I'm in the market, as it were.'


	56. Let's be honest

A/N - TW100 Challenge 328 - National days

'You've done a great job on that spatial projector Tosh,' Gwen commented.

'Ianto, you're looking so handsome today that I'm almost a bit jealous that Jack gets to keep you,' Tosh remarked.

'Jack, could you be any sexier if you tried?' sighed Ianto.

'Gwen, you're one of the best field operatives I've ever had.,' Jack mused.

Owen had watched them all day profusely complimenting one another to the point where it was getting sickening.

'How come no one has said anything nice to me all day?'

'International honesty day, Owen. We thought it would be safer not to say anything.'


	57. The truth hurts

A/N - TW100 Challenge 328 - National days

International honesty day had descended into utter chaos.

Tosh was in tears after Owen had described her love life as pathetic, even by her standards.

Gwen lashed out at Owen calling him a heartless bastard, plus a few things in Welsh that would not have been polite.

Jack and Ianto could still be heard yelling from Jack's office, continuing their colossal row that no one was quite sure how it had started. Something about a measuring tape was all any of them had heard before Ianto had lost his block at Jack.

Honesty, it seemed, was not the best policy.


	58. Pink chiffon

A/N - TW100 Challenge 329 - Chiffon

Tosh came in and found it on her desk.

One of those fancy little bags with ribbon handles that came from the posh kind of store not found on the high street.

She pulled the contents from the bag. A delicate glass bottle, elegantly shaped like finely cut crystal, an atomizer pump at the top, and filled with a soft peach coloured liquid.

She gently sprayed the contents against her neck and breathed in the tantalizing fragrance of "Pink Chiffon".

A voice whispered in her ear.

'Happy birthday, Tosh.'

'Thanks Jack. How did you know?'

'I didn't. But Ianto did.'


	59. Silkworm

A/N - TW100 Challenge 329 - Chiffon

The little bugs had been quite a hit.

Like extraterrestrial silk worms they managed to produce an enormous quantity of chiffon-like fabric for their size.

Owen had been feeding them but a few escaped during the day, though it was hard to tell at the rate they multiplied.

When Ianto arrived at the hub the next morning the first thing he heard was Jack yelling.

Rushing to Jack's bunker he discovered Jack tied up in yards of fabric, and unable to move from his bed.

'Right where I want you at last.'

'Not funny. Now get me out of here!'


	60. Whistling what?

Jack was indulging Ianto in a night off of his choosing.

The Treorchy Male Voice choir at the Millennium Centre.

The lights dimmed and the men walked on stage. As the applause died away a hushed silence of anticipation filled the room.

The choir started up, a deep, full, resonant whistling. 'Whistle while you work' as it turned out.

Ianto studied the programme in the darkness as Jack continued to watch.

Without looking up Ianto remarked. 'I think we have a problem.'

'Yeah,' Jack agreed, 'the purple skin and jumping jacks are giving it away.'

Ianto sighed. 'I'll call Gwen.'


	61. Taken prisoner

A/N - TW100 Challenge 330 - All tied up

Jack hadn't just asked to help Ianto babysit David and Mica, he had excitedly begun planning a whole night of games.

That had been then.

Now, tied to a chair in the kitchen and blindfolded, he wasn't so sure. He'd been there for nearly an hour now and it didn't look like anyone was coming to his aid.

He yelled out loudly.

'Hush!' Ianto replied, 'I've only just gotten them settled into bed.'

A heavy weight settled into his lap, warm arms wrapping around his neck, followed by warm lips.

Hmm, he thought, maybe this wasn't so bad after all.


	62. Missing pets

A/N - TW100 Challenge 330 - All tied up

Myfanwy being a little late for breakfast was not unusual.

But hours later when she still hadn't turned up, Ianto began to worry.

Had she been caught? Had she been hurt?

He began searching satellite footage, but when everything turned up empty he became positively frantic.

Seeing Ianto's fragile state Jack intervened.

His vortex manipulator traced her unmoving to an isolated spot on the coast.

They headed straight down there.

When they found her she was completely tangled in large, heavy fisherman's netting, and covered in last night's catch.

'Thought you'd have yourself a midnight snack did you?' Ianto chastised.


	63. Are you my mummy?

A/N - TW100 Challenge 330 - All tied up

This wasn't one of their better days at Torchwood, Gwen thought as she and Ianto were being wrapped from head to toe in filthy bandages by mummified corpses that had come back to life.

The room was filled with their filthy stench.

And where the hell was Jack?

'They can't be real,' Ianto repeated.

'Neither were the zombies, but here we are!' Gwen exclaimed.

'Zombies aren't real.' Ianto insisted.

'Oh, would you shut up about the bloody zombies!'

'At least they decided to skip the whole removal and embalming of organs part.' Ianto replied placidly.

'I'm so pleased,' muttered Gwen.


	64. Waste not

Gwen was taking her time in the kitchenette fixing herself a nice hot cup of tea to get her through the afternoon.

As she turned around to dispose of the tea bag, she found herself confronted by not one, but four bins, each with different coloured lids.

'Ianto,' she called, 'what's with all the bins?'

'Torchwood's new waste recycling policy. Yellow for paper, blue for plastics and glass, green for organic waste, and red for medical waste.'

'What about this?' asked Owen, holding up a severed Weevil hand.

'Ah,' he said, pulling another bin from the cupboard, 'Purple for alien.'


	65. Storytime

A/N - A cute little double drabble

Jack and Ianto had offered to babysit and allow Rihanna and Johnny a night out.

Mica insisted on Ianto reading her a bedtime story, The Jungle Book.

Not five minutes later, David came in, snuggling into bed with both of them, even though he'd insisted earlier he was too old for stories.

Jack left the trio to their important uncle Ianto bonding time and amused himself washing up dishes and tidying, things he usually left to Ianto.

After what seemed like ages Jack headed upstairs to check how they were getting on. Surely they must be asleep by now he thought.

He smiled at the sight before him, all three of them tucked up and fast asleep, Mica on one side, David on the other.

Jack came in and gently scooped up David, taking him back to his own bed and tucking him in, before returning and quietly nudging Ianto awake.

He ignored the slightly grumpy response at being woken, and offered instead his own brand of snuggling on the couch downstairs. Ianto was won over.

'You're really good with them, you know that?'

'Trying,' he replied, 'I've got a lot of time to make up for.'

'Don't we all?'


	66. What could be weirder?

A/N - TW100 Challenge 331 - Worms

Jack just looked at Ianto with a curious expression.

People stood in a field stabbing pitchforks into the ground and shaking them, or belting the ground with shoes, watching as earthworms wriggled up from the ground, and promptly picked up and placed into buckets

'This is just weird,' he declared.

'It's the annual worm charming contest. It's British tradition.'

'It's still weird.'

'Weirder than aliens that lay eggs in you?'

'Yes.'

'Weirder than matchboxes that send you to hell, weirder than space whales?'

'Yeah.'

'Weirder than weevils doing the can-can?'

'Ye-, wait no, that's weirder.'

Ianto just rolled his eyes.


	67. This old place

A/N - TW100 Challenge 331 - Worms

Rhiannon hadn't known why he'd called her or where they were going until he pulled up out the front of the house.

'Why did you bring me here?'

Ianto stared at the house without meeting her eye.

'They're tearing it down at the end of the month. The foundations are infested with wood worm.'

'End of an era,' she replied. 'Do you remember when dad let us help paint the fence?'

'You wanted pink and I wanted green.'

The fence was badly weathered now, the last hints of buttercup paint barely holding it together.

'I like that colour.'

'Me too.'


	68. Memories

A/N - Sequel to "This Old Place". TW100 Challenge 331 - Worms

The front garden was overgrown and neglected, the begonias their mother had tended so carefully, long gone.

Inside the house creaked in all the same places, but now knowing what was underfoot and causing much of the creaking, made the place feel sad, as if the worms were eating the very memories out of the house.

It looked the same and yet different, the memories in every room both alive and long forgotten.

Both siblings relived the turbulent mix of emotions that marked their last days living here. Rhiannon clasped his hand.

'It feels like they're here.'

'Maybe they know.'


	69. Under attack

A/N - TW100 Challenge 331 - Worms

He didn't know where they'd come from.

All of a sudden Jack felt himself paralysed on the floor, unable to move.

And then they came.

Worm-like creatures crawled over his body biting with sharp teeth. He yelped in pain and more appeared. Creatures now covering his body and causing excruciating pain , as if they were eating him alive.

He screamed out, desperate for someone to hear his cries.

Jack, Jack! He heard his name and felt his body being shaken. Ianto was gripping him tightly.

'Jack, you were having a nightmare.'

Jack groaned. 'No more cheese pizza before bed.'


	70. Doctor's diagnosis

A/N - TW100 Challenge 331 - Worms

'She's got worms mate,' Owen declared.

The look he received turned from one of worry and concern, to one of outrage and disbelief.

'What?'

Owen cringed.

The indignation contained in that one word. It was like a parent being told they'd neglected their child and that they would be hauled off to Nuremberg to answer for their crimes.

'Perfectly normal, most animals get them, even us. Bound to happen, really,' Owen assured him.

'I'll start her on a standard course of anti-worming drugs.'

The look changed to one of relief and understanding.

'It's okay girl,' Ianto cooed, rubbing Myfanwy's beak.


	71. Opportunity

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 332 - Gwen Cooper

He stared at the forlorn figure huddled on the ground on the plass. In his mouth he could feel the acrid metallic tang of blood. Suzie's blood.

He went over to the young woman and placed a hand on her shoulder.

He half expected her to recoil from his touch.

It was a reaction he'd come to expect over the years. Most people didn't take his immortality too well, but she didn't even flinch. His other half wasn't surprised. He'd sensed in his guts she was capable of much more.

A team member down, what did he have to lose?


	72. Lost opportunity

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 332 - Gwen Cooper

'He worked in Debenhams!'

Ice ran through her veins at the admission, and her brain protested against it.

No she was wrong. Ianto wouldn't lie.

'He talks about you all the time. You and the kids.' Another lie.

When she'd first started at Torchwood. More lies.

How was this possible. After all the years they'd worked together. All of the crazy, dangerous, brilliant stuff they'd done.

She'd been strong for Jack, to bear this news to Ianto's sister, but now she felt overwhelmed. Grieving the man she'd known, but grieving even more for the man she'd truly never really known.


	73. Unity

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 332 - Gwen Cooper

Slightly affronted and a little confused.

That was how she felt when Ianto had cut in on her dance. This was her special day and yet the moment seemed to have been temporarily stolen by the two men slow dancing in the middle of the room.

As she walked up to Rhys and felt his arm embrace her the warm feeling of his love filled her from head to toe. When she looked back across the room she saw the same feeling of love emanating from the dancing couple, and knew in that moment that she was where she belonged.


	74. Incompatible

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 333 - Kiss

Jack was in a great mood.

Stepping out of the shower the tune popped into his head and he began singing.

Overhead he could hear footsteps in his office.

Ianto.

Feeling rather euphoric, he set aside getting dressed to go and claim his lover, ascending the ladder.

'You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be cool to rule my world.

Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with, I just need your extra time and your-'

Only it wasn't Ianto.

'I don't know why I put up with you sometimes Harkness,' Owen sighed.


	75. Alone at Christmas

It was the worst Christmas Eve ever.

Jack had treated the team out for dinner and drinks.

He'd had his excuse pre-prepared –offer to stay behind and finish paperwork, tidy up.

It didn't matter though. They'd forgotten to include him anyway.

Trudging down to the furthest reaches of the hubs lower levels he entered the room where he was hiding Lisa.

She'd been in too much pain to talk with him, so was now heavily sedated.

As he held her hand he suddenly felt lost and alone in the cold, dark room.

Sinking to the floor, he began to weep.


	76. Christmas wishes

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 333 - Kiss

It was the best Christmas Eve ever.

Jack had treated the team out for dinner and drinks. A lot of drinks.

It was ridiculously late and they were all beyond driving. Rhys had picked up Gwen, and Jack had walked home.

Now standing out in the wintery cold in front of the Millennium Centre, Tosh and Owen waited for a cab.

As Tosh dug her hands in her pockets for warmth she found the piece of mistletoe she'd stashed there.

Pulling it out she grinned at Owen.

'Oh, alright, seeing's as its Christmas.'

He kissed her full on the mouth.


	77. Seal of approval

Jack had become adept at getting out of UNIT meetings, sending Ianto in his place.

Ianto didn't mind though. He had the agenda memorised, every fact and figure from every report at his fingertips.

And he was a damn sight more diplomatic than Jack.

If anything, UNIT might have been glad he wasn't there.

In any case, Ianto was authorised to make any and all operational decisions on his behalf, and Torchwood's.

Knowing how Jack liked to run things, there was nothing he could decide that Jack would disagree with.

He'd been letting Jack rubber stamp his decisions for years.


	78. Maybe not a rose by any other name

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 333 - Kiss

Rhys was putting the finishing touches on dinner when Gwen arrived.

'Hey you,' he said leaning over the counter to give her a kiss.

'Phaw! What is that smell?' he exclaimed recoiling.

'Roast weevil,' she replied sheepishly.

'Right, well you're not coming near me til you've showered.'

'Oh Rhys, I've showered four times already! It won't come out,' she cried.

He met her apologetic gaze.

'Here,' he said grabbing some lemons from the fruit bowl, 'Take these and have a bath with some salts.'

She smiled appreciatively, leaning across to kiss him.

'Ah! You can thank me after the bath.'


	79. On fire

Ianto felt like his throat was on fire. Like he'd swallowed a handful of razor blades.

Then he registered the throbbing in his head and the aches that ran up and down his limbs.

As Jack woke and leant in for the first kiss of the morning, Ianto turned his head away.

'What's wrong?'

He didn't even recognise the rasping sound that was his own voice as he tried to tell Jack he didn't feel well.

He felt Jack's hand pressing against his forehead and relished it's relative coolness.

'Me thinks I need to call Owen, hmm?' Jack asked rhetorically.


	80. Lost in translation

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 337 – Unloved Prompts / 171 – Lost in translation

Nothing had been the same since Tosh and Owen had died.

Jack became distant, his jokes hollow.

He prayed that Gwen and Ianto would leave.

Leave and live.

He loved them too much to watch them die.

He'd been especially cold towards Ianto. They barely even spoke except for work matters.

Ianto, ever the professional, accepted it without argument.

What they'd had was broken.

When Ianto thought he wasn't looking, Jack caught the look of wounded pain etched on his face.

He felt wretched knowing that he was the cause.

He wished Ianto could know how much he loved him.


	81. Deeper meaning

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 333 - Kiss

He hadn't meant to say anything, but he was tired of being invisible. Invisible had been what had gotten him into this mess, and now they'd dragged him out here with them.

'Guess it's my turn then is it? It was Lisa.'

He'd lashed out at Gwen, but his feelings had been directed at Jack.

Jack's icy glare made him regret it almost immediately.

It wasn't about the kiss, it was about the betrayal.

He'd started something with Jack that wasn't meant to mean anything.

The hurt had been unintentional but deeper feelings now wrestled inside his mind.

Love perhaps?


	82. The pen is mightier

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 334 - Red

Normally, neither of them would dare tempt fate in this way.

But this was Torchwood, and tomorrow was April Fool's day, and that meant all bets were off.

It had taken them all night, but they'd managed it.

When Ianto arrived the next morning to finish up some reports, every pen he wrote with turned out red.

There wasn't a blue or black pen anywhere.

Even more infuriating was that they hadn't just been replaced, some ingenious person had kept all of the original pen casings but simply replaced the ink.

Jack and Owen were going to pay for this.


	83. Seeing red

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 334 - Red

Jack grinned as he pulled the item out of the box.

'Oh, Martha Jones, I owe you one,' he said, handing the UNIT cap to Ianto.

'And what would you like me to do with this, sir?'

'Anything you like.'

'Well, I was considering a transfer.'

'What? You're kidding, right?'

'No, I mean it'll be better hours, more career opportunities, and, well, red is my colour.'

'You'd leave Torchwood, and me, for that?' He raged, his face turning its own very impressive shade of red.

Ianto burst out laughing and pulled him into a kiss.

'You really are gullible sometimes.'


	84. Finders keepers

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 334 - Red

'Have you tried under the sofa yet?'

'Yep.'

'Armoury?'

'Double checked. Nada.'

'What about the cupboards in autopsy?'

'Oooh, wait! No, that's a negative too.'

Gwen was confused.

'What is Jack looking for?'

'His suspenders.'

'Hey, not just any suspenders, my favourite red pair.'

'Well, maybe if you spent less time cheating at naked hide and seek, you'd have more time to remember where you hid your clothes!'

'Let's be honest here, once I find you hiding naked under the boardroom table, there's not much need for clothing from that point onwards.'

'Sometimes I wish I'd never asked,' sighed Gwen.


	85. Twinkle twinkle

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 334 - Red

Jack and Ianto lay on a secluded beach staring up at the night sky.

'I read somewhere that stars twinkling blue are hotter than starts twinkling red.'

'Yep. Red Giants. As they burn up the last of their fuel they expand before collapsing in on themselves and dying.'

'It's sad to think of a star as dying.'

'It'll happen to this sun one day. Millions of years from now. It'll get so big it'll engulf all the nearby planets including earth. They'll die along with it.'

'What will happen to us?'

'Out there colonising the universe.'

'It's still sad.'

'Yeah.'


	86. Too much of a good thing

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 334 - Red

Ianto had treated the team to red velvet cupcakes yesterday.

Now Jack seemed determined to outdo him.

Gwen had three on her desk, Owen had scoffed four he'd found in autopsy, and Ianto found two on his coffee machine.

As the day progressed however he kept finding them in more and more unusual places.

When he discovered two in the SUV's glove compartment he finally went and confronted Jack.

His office was full of cupcakes.

'You remember that replicator device we found a few weeks ago? I think it's broken. I only wanted a couple extra, and now they're everywhere!'


	87. Sweet silence

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 334 - Red

Chomp.

Ianto looked out the window. The street was quiet and the sky overcast.

Chomp.

Three hours sitting in the SUV and still nothing. It seemed their intel was not as good as they'd thought.

Chomp.

His infinite patience was wearing thin.

Chomp.

He exhaled loudly, then took a deep breath and held it. One, two, three-

Chomp.

'Jack!'

'What?'

'Would you please stop?'

'Huh?'

Ianto reached across and snatched the box of Jaffas from his hand.

'Hey! I was eating those!'

'I know. I could hear you,' he replied, stuffing them in the glove compartment.

'Fun police,' Jack moaned.


	88. Red and blue

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 334 - Red

He was glad she was helping him out, even if he couldn't figure out why such a sweet young thing would spend her weekend spring cleaning for an old man. His hands just weren't what they used to be.

'Okay Mr Jones, that's the books sorted now what about the wardrobe?'

As she began pulling out old clothes, he spied the shirt in her hand.

'Lovely colour. Bet you looked dashing in that one back in your hey day.'

The voice had faded, but the memory of the blue eyes that watched him in that shirt were vivid as ever.


	89. Essentials

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 334 - Red

It was a quiet morning so Ianto had hit the shops to stock up on essentials.

The skies were clear and the sun bright as he wandered down the street, stopping as the window display caught his eye.

Clothes never lasted long working for Torchwood so he soon had a half dozen shirts in blues, greys and whites.

His hands brushed over the rack and paused on the deep scarlet fabric.

Before he could do anything a voice whispered in his ear.

'I like that one.'

He smiled.

'What are you doing here?'

'Making sure we stock up on essentials.'


	90. The great escape

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 335 - Feline

The bathroom door thudded from the impact, jolting Jack and Ianto forward before they slammed their weight back against it.

'Tosh's predictor program definitely needs more work! '

'You think?'

The door jolted again. It was amazing that the wooden frame was still holding up at all.

'This wasn't quite what I had in mind when you said we're going to pick up an overfed moggy and find it a good home. We don't even have any weapons!'

'The alert said the signature was feline.'

'However, it neglected to mention the part about it being four hundred pounds and sabre toothed.'

The creature pounded again.

The door wasn't going to hold much longer.

Jack surveyed the room. They were under siege.

'There's nothing for it, you're going to have squeeze through the bathroom window and get help.'

'You must be joking, have you seen how small it is. Then there's the fourteen foot drop to the ground. Besides all of which, as soon as I move from the door, you're not going to be able to stop it. It'll tear you to shreds.'

'Better me than both of us, unless you think hiding behind the shower curtain will fool it.'

It wasn't agile and it wasn't elegant, but somehow Ianto clambered through the tiny opening, trying to focus on not breaking his neck rather than Jack's attempt to hold the door on his own.

Once he was clear, Jack desperately grabbed a can of deodorant from the counter.

As the tiger broke through the door, lunging at him, he sprayed in its face.

His attempts were in vain though as the razor sharp claws and teeth made short work of his neck.

Before it could start tucking into its meal, its own head exploded in a spray of blood.

'Bad kitty!'


	91. Baiting the enemy

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 335 - Feline

'Achoo!'

Jack sneezed again and Ianto passed him a fresh handkerchief. His last one was completely beyond further use.

'I hate to say it, but Pusska has gotta go.'

'I've tried brushing her hair off your coat, but she's intent sleeping on it if you keep leaving it lying around.'

'How was I to know I'm allergic to cats? We never had pets on Boeshane.'

'Well, we can try to get rid of her but good luck finding her first. She's become quite adept at hiding around the hub. Maybe we can leave your coat as bait?'

'Works for you.'


	92. Undercover cute

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 335 - Feline

Tosh almost walked straight past it.

A small gray kitten huddled in the corner of the tourist office. Poor thing must have tried to escape the cold.

She picked it up and began stroking it. It purred in response.

Kitten in arm, she greeted Ianto at her desk.

'New pet?'

'Found him upstairs. Isn't he cute?'

'Aha!' said Jack, grabbing it by the scruff of its neck. It struggled with panic.

'What are you doing?'

'Didn't think you could hide forever did you? Sneaky little shape-shifter. Been trying to get into the hub for months. My vortex manipulator alerted me.'


	93. Too much of a good thing (redux)

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 336 – Junk Food

Jack and Ianto arranged to take David and Mica to the fun park for the day.

Jack hadn't been to a fun fair in years.

The laughed raucously in the hall of mirrors and terrified each other on the ghost train.

Jack and David bumped each other mercilessly in the dodgem cars.

Hot dogs and candy floss.

Mica's shrieks of joy on the carousel and Ianto's prizewinning marksmanship in the shooting gallery.

Pixie sticks and milkshakes.

Roller-coasters.

The kids were having a blast.

Jack was having a blast.

Ianto was vomiting into a bin.

'Too much junk food,' he moaned.


	94. Top heavy

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 336 – Junk Food

Jack was lying of top of Ianto in bed.

Ianto wriggled slightly.

'You know, it must be at least two months since you last died.'

'Really? I can't say I keep track anymore.'

'Not that I'm complaining.'

'Must be because I have someone worth making the effort for,' Jack replied, going in for another kiss.

'Well, since you're in the mood, perhaps you could make an effort to shift those extra pounds you've gained in the meantime? I don't think we should rely on you dying at regular intervals in order to curb the consequences of your junk food diet.'


	95. Giving up

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 336 – Junk Food

Rhys was going to make a huge sacrifice, but he was going to do it for Gwen.

It wasn't going to be easy

So no more pasties, no more danishes. No more saying yes when Ruth proffered the packet of custard creams.

No more sugar. No more carbs.

He was going to be trim and terrific for his wedding day, and it all started today.

'Rhys! I've brought you a cuppa!' cried Ruth. 'And I've saved you the last custard cream. I told the drivers they can bugger off and live with digestives.'

'Thanks.'

Well, maybe he could start tomorrow.


	96. The horrors of excess

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 336 – Junk Food

Gwen had been in the SUV for hours bearing witness to the horrific spectacle.

It was clearly not human.

In the back of the car was an endless feeding frenzy. Four pasties, two donuts, cream cake and two coffees.

A garbage disposal on legs.

Gwen struggled to hide the disgusted look on her face, and even Jack was beginning to look a bit sickened.

She received a tap on the shoulder.

'Couldn't grab us a couple of bacon butties from that place round the corner could you? Bored out of my head on this stupid surveillance.'

'Sure Owen, anything else?'


	97. Making provision

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 336 – Junk Food

Sweets wrappers. Chip packet. Pizza box. Chocolate bar. Biscuit crumbs.

It wasn't the nature of it, just the sheet volume of it.

How they ever found anything they actually needed was quite beyond comprehension.

It wasn't hard to figure out how he could be useful to them when he'd first started there, but two years on and he was still amazed by it.

He'd put a separate line item in their annual budget just for bin liners and cleaning supplies. Jack initially thought he'd been joking until he'd reviewed the budget and seen it himself.

Great agents. Just lousy housekeepers.


	98. All that jazz

'We're definitely treating it as a class a dangerous artefact?'

'Yep, it's going straight into the secure archives.'

'Just as soon as we figure out how to use it to fix Jack.'

'And not before.'

Jack paraded past them again.

It was hard to tell which of them was more mortified at the sight of Jack wearing heels, fishnets, corset, top hat and cane, dancing around the hub.

Where he'd gotten any of those was beyond them.

It was burlesque gone very, very wrong.

'I'm going to call Martha. Just for God's sake don't let him out of the hub!'


	99. Lonely sounds

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 337 – Unloved Prompts / 217 - Rendition

It was late as Jack wandered the disused hallways of the archives.

He'd thought he was alone when soft music met his ears. He headed toward it. The tune was familiar, Moonlight Sonata.

What was causing it?

Rounding a corner he found the answer.

When had they found a piano?

There was Ianto sat quietly playing, and Jack watched graceful fingers dance across the keys, unaware of his audience.

He surely hadn't learnt that growing up on an estate..

Jack sank to the floor, breathing in the music in this rare unguarded moment, both mournful and beautiful all at once.


	100. Soul searching

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 337 – Unloved Prompts / 79 - Friday

Despite being Good Friday the small church was almost empty. The only sound came from the altar boys practising hymns.

He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. He hadn't been to church in very long time. Not since before he'd moved to London. Not since his mother had dragged them all there every Sunday.

It felt odd being here now. He half expected to be struck by lightning as he crossed the threshold. How could God forgive all that he had done? His sins.

A warm hand unexpectedly grasped his own.

'I forgive you,' whispered Jack.


	101. Bad sport

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 337 – Unloved Prompts / 170 - Squash

'Ow!' Jack cried out.

'Stop being such a sissy, it's just an ice pack', Ianto chastised as he pressed it against the sizeable lump forming on Jack's forehead.

'Consider yourself lucky. Tosh and Owen got stuck in a room full of flying dumbbells. It's a wonder neither of them were killed. We certainly didn't expect to find you unconscious on the squash court.'

'How was I to know they'd animate all the balls. I must have been hit about a hundred times and that's gonna leave some serious bruising.'

'I'll run a hot bath.'

'I'd prefer you kiss it better.'


	102. More than words

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 337 – Unloved Prompts / 172 - Untranslatable

In all his years stationed in Cardiff, Jack had stoutly refused to learn Welsh.

Sure he knew the odd word, mainly from roadsigns, but he'd gotten by just fine.

Ianto had tried and failed, so when they finally scored a weekend away, he took them to a remote part of North Wales where English was nonexistent

Adding insult to injury, he refused to converse with Jack in English during their stay.

Somewhat miffed, Jack threatened to withhold sex if Ianto continued to withhold English.

Jack didn't need a translation to know that Ianto's reply suggested Jack would cave in first.


	103. Rather taxing

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 337 – Unloved Prompts / 23 - Inland Revenue

Jack stared in shock at the number. The decimal place must be in the wrong spot.

'It's not possible, you must have made a mistake.'

Ianto rolled his eyes, 'I don't make mistakes.'

'Well you must have. There's no way I can owe them that much!' Jack protested.

'When you've lived here for 170 years and accumulated that much money you're going to have to pay some tax.'

'But we're Torchwood. There must be some sort of exemption?'

'I can take it up with them, but unless HM Revenue and Customs is run by aliens I don't like your chances.'

Jack caught the perplexed look on Ianto's face as he put the phone down.

'What's wrong?'

'I tried calling Revenue and Customs and they hung up on me, so I tried again. Same thing. I quoted your UTR and national insurance and they placed me on hold to access your file then hung up. This is the fourth time it's happened.'

'Maybe there's a glitch in their phone system.'

The sudden ringing phone startled them both

'Hello? Yes speaking. Yes, Jack Harkness. Right. Thank you.'

'Who was that?' asked Jack.

'Revenue and Customs. They'd like to meet with us personally.'

They headed straight down to the Cardiff Revenue and Customs branch office.

On arrival they were quickly and quietly ushered down a hall and into a sparsely decorated office, behind the desk of which sat a very unassuming and blandly dressed man.

'Great, a pen pushing public servant,' grumbled Jack.

Ianto elbowed him sharply.

'Mr Harkness. I understand you had a query about your recent tax assessment?'

'Well, not so much a query, more of a favour. I-'

'Yes, well I've had a look into your file and I think we can come to some sort of an arrangement.'

'Really?'

The chap behind the desk leaned forward and looked at them both keenly.

'You're Torchwood.'

It wasn't a question.

'Yes,' Jack replied. 'I rather thought given how we save the world every other day, maybe you might cut us some slack?'

'Yes, quite. Mr Harkness I'd like you to understand that we have an important function here and that the work we do is important, and that certain questions would best be left unasked. I'm afraid I have a rather large confession to make.'

He pulled his glasses off, and he transformed from bland public servant to spiky blue alien.

To their credit neither of them displayed surprise.

'Well, that explains a bit,' Ianto remarked.

'My kindred would be happy to overlook your rather minor tax issues in return for allowing us to continue here in peace.'

'How long have you been here?'

'Generations, Mr Harkness. And this department has kept us in happy employ since.'

'Aliens that love tax?'

'Quite. So do we have a deal?'

'I think that can be arranged.'

'Excellent, I'm so pleased.'

'So does that mean you can refund all my other tax bills as well?'

'Best not to push Her Majesty's luck, Mr Harkness.'


	104. The price of unbreakable bonds

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 338 - Bond

He entered the secret den and found her with her tarot cards

'We meet again Captain.'

'You know why I'm here?'

'I do.'

She turned over a card.

'He can be found in this place. If the bond is strong enough.'

'Oh it is, believe me.'

She turned another card.

'But it will come at a cost. Evil lives beneath this place. Finding him, you will find it.'

'I'm willing to take the risk.'

Another card.

'You will have to choose between life and death.'

Jack scoffed. He'd had enough of life.

Another card

'Beware. Only love will conquer evil.'


	105. Shaken, not stirred

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 338 - Bond

He had the sharp suit.

He had the gun.

He had the cool gadgets.

He had the awesome car.

Sure, Jack looked impressive flashing about in that coat of his, but his was cool, calm sophistication.

He was class on toast.

He walked into the bar of the hotel. An impressive beauty waltzed over.

'What can I get you?' he asked smoothly.

'Your name, and a martini.'

He smiled, oozing charm.

'Jones, I-'

'Ianto!'

Fingers snapped in front of his face. The illusion shattered.

'I know Owen's autopsy report is boring but can you try and stay with us please?'


	106. Leave them wanting Moore

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 338 - Bond

Jack hoped for an uneventful few days whilst Ianto was in London attending a UNIT conference. More sneaky delegation on his part.

He hadn't expected spending it deleting CCTV and doctoring mission reports.

A rift alert indicated it had spat out something living.

Gwen arrived a few hours later.

'So what have we got Jack?'

'Whatever happens you can't tell Ianto.'

'What? Why?' She looked into the cell.

'No way! Roger Moore has fallen through the rift dressed as James Bond?'

'No. A guy who looks like Roger Moore fell through the rift, and thinks he actually is James Bond.'

Gwen gazed at the man in the cell.

'Why is he sedated?'

'He tried to shoot me. Twice.'

'Why?'

'I think he thought I was a Soviet spy.'

'Well, I guess if he saw you in that coat...'

'Fair point. Which is probably why I confused him when I yelled "Halt! C.I.A!".'

The prisoner stirred from unconsciousness.

'Hi,' Jack said.

'Your American accent is awful. I won't answer your questions. Take me to Barishnikov.'

'See, Soviet spies. Listen, we're not Russian. You're in the Torchwood facility.'

He expression was blank.

'You work for MI5 and you've never heard of Torchwood?'

Their interrogation of James was going nowhere and Gwen could sense Jack's frustration. Barring physical torture, which Jack was only just prepared to accept as not a viable solution, their visitor was well trained in the art of not giving anything away.

Gwen had an idea.

'What about we hand him over to U.N.I.T?'

'Why?'

'Sorry, did you say U.N.I.T?'

'You've heard of U.N.I.T?'

'Those paramilitary science boffins? Of course. You're connected with them?'

For the sake of cooperation, Jack swallowed his pride and agreed.

'Well why didn't you say so chaps? Get the Brigadier on the phone!'

Jack sighed.

'James, I'm afraid it's not the simple.'

'Don't be stupid. Lethbridge-Stuart and I are old Oxbridge classmates. He'll sort this whole mess it and put me in touch with HQ so I can explain what a complete balls up this has been.'

'Do you actually know where you are?'

'Cardiff, of course. Barishnikov has been hiding out here for months. I thought you were one of his hired guns when you started following me.'

'What year?'

'Year? Oh, for heaven's sake, 1965.'

'I hate to break it to you, but this isn't 1965, and this isn't the Cardiff you know.'

'You fell through a rift in time and space and ended up here. Cardiff. 2009. Alternate universe.'

'How?'

'We don't know. The rift is unpredictable at best. The fact that you've crossed universes, is itself almost impossible, even by the rift's standards.'

'So how do I get back?'

'You don't. At least, it's highly unlikely. Sometimes the rift takes stuff back. Most of the time it doesn't.'

Gwen looked concerned. Was Jack going to send him to Flat Holm with the rest of them?

'Jack, please, you can't send him to Flat Holm.'

'Relax. I'm going to make some calls.'

Gwen gave James a tour of the hub.

He was in awe of everything. The rift manipulator. Their pet pteranadon. Gwen's mobile phone.

'Q would be blown away by all this.'

Gwen wasn't really across the bond genre. Rhys had them all on DVD, so she had a vague recollection he was the techno genius responsible for the amphibious cars and exploding pens.

She smiled and murmured appreciatively.

Jack returned.

'Good news. Seems MI5 have a job going spare if you want it. I changed your name to John Bradman, though. They'd think I was having them on otherwise.'

'Why?'

Ianto walked into Jack's office holding up a tie that wasn't his.

'Jack what's this?'

Jack froze at the sight. James's tie.

Oh god, Ianto thinks I've been cheating on him!

Instead of indignation that Ianto could ever think such a thing, he felt awful that Ianto thought himself unworthy of Jack's commitment.

'Ianto, it's not what to think.'

Logging on to his restricted access, he showed Ianto the video and undoctored report.

Jack was surprised when Ianto burst out laughing, and had to grip the desk to stop from falling over.

'You're not mad?'

'You idiot! That's absolutely priceless!'


	107. Under pressure

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 338 - Bond

It was meant to be a mother daughter bonding day.

Mary had driven up from Swansea for a bit of retail therapy in town.

However, what had started off as thinly veiled comments became out and out interrogation.

'You still living in that pokey little flat? Good gracious Gwen! You need to find a place with space to raise a family. Rhys must be thinking you don't want kids.'

'Mum, we do want kids. It's just not the right time now.'

'You don't have forever dear.'

Gwen began to wonder if being strapped to a weevil wasn't better right now.


	108. Time and place

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 338 - Bond

It was a standoff situation. Ianto did a mental risk assessment.

Gwen. To the right with a hostage, behind a wall. Safe.

Tosh. To the left, out in the open but armed.

Owen. On the floor with the shooting victim. Unarmed, vulnerable.

Blowfish, dead ahead, hostage with a gun to her head.

'So, what about it minion?'

_Keep cool Jones, focus. Take the shot._

_They're all counting on me. _

_Now is not the time for a James Bond moment. _

_No? _

_No, you idiot. What the hell would James Bond know about blowfish! _

_Fair point. Okay, squeeze the trigger._

Bang!

_What? _


	109. The moment's gone

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 338 - Bond

The disused funhouse at Barry island could only have been invaded by one thing. Killer zombies.

Owen and Ianto had been cleverly cornered

'Jesus! If we ever get out of here I swear I'll never gripe at you again.'

'Promise?'

'Mate, I know I'm a twat, but,- Oh God!'

Decaying heads suddenly exploded, covering both of them in putrefied muck.

'Urgh!' Owen pushed past him, and the rest of the team that had just rescued them.

'If you leave mess in the SUV you're cleaning it!'

'Sod off, Teaboy!'

'What happened to our bonding moment?'

'It died with those zombies.'


	110. Unexpected bondage

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 338 - Bond

'It'll wear off. Eventually.'

'What do you mean, "eventually"?' The look Owen gave Jack was murderous.

'Couple of days. A week tops.'

'You mean I'm stuck invisibly handcuffed to Teaboy for a week?'

'Standing right here Owen' Ianto murmured, trying not to show his own displeasure.

'It's not that bad. Zircadian bands have a range of about three feet. You'll get by just fine, though you will have to decide who's house you're sleeping at.'

'No! We are not sleeping together!'

'Relax, I'll sleep next to Ianto, then you can sleep next to me!' Jack grinned.

'No!' they both yelled.


	111. Serendipity

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 338 - Bond

It had been a rocky first few weeks for the newest addition to the Torchwood team.

She hadn't quite made the impression that they'd hoped for.

She'd upset Owen by leaving his medical equipment in disarray, she'd managed to corrupt one of Tosh's programs when she'd spilt coffee on the computer, and Jack had served up more than enough retcon to cover things.

He was even beginning to wonder if he'd made the right decision.

But there was no turning back now.

Despite the hiccups, Myfanwy had won Ianto over, and the two of them had bonded deeply and irrevocably.


	112. An unusual position

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 339 - Green

A twister board falling through the rift was too tempting to pass up.

Soon, Ianto found himself stretched from end to end.

With Jack's next move he purposefully positioned himself so that he was straddling Ianto.

As Ianto spun the pointer and tried to make his next move, Jack began nibbling at his neck. It had the desired effect, causing Ianto's limbs to turn to jelly.

Honestly, was there nothing that man wouldn't cheat at?

Conceding defeat, his right hand abandoned green and wrapped itself around Jack's neck, pulling him down on top of him and into a deep kiss.


	113. An un-lichenly victory

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 339 - Green

An email pinged in their inboxes

From: Jack

"Beware. Bad Moss day. Do not engage."

Silent acknowledgement crossed their faces.

Ianto was waging war on the hub.

The hub would never be clean enough for Ianto's standards. Even the main area was challenging at best, the cells were barely passable, and the lower levels and lesser used areas, deplorable.

It would have been better described as the battle of Stalingrad.

To be fair though, the mosses and lichens had been there since Victorian times, and had outlived Ianto five times over.

Despite his best efforts, they were taking no prisoners


	114. Which witch?

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 339 - Green

Jack found Ianto huddled in Myfanwy's aerie.

'C'mon girl, you need some fresh air and exercise. You shouldn't have to be stuck underground all day like the rest of us.'

'Hey! I heard that,' Jack sniped. 'What's wrong with spending all day underground with me?'

'No objections here.'

'What's going on?'

'She won't leave her nest. I've tried everything.'

'Jack, it's Gwen. I'm getting several police reports about a green-faced madwoman flying around on a broomstick, claiming to be the wicked witch of the west.'

They exchanged looks.

Ianto petted Myfanwy's head.

'Sorry girl, I wouldn't have gone out either.'


	115. Up the putt

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 339 - Green

Ianto walked into Jack's office to find him slumped over the desk with his head buried in his arms.

'Welcome back. How was your week with Archie?'

Ianto received little more than a muffled groan.

He sighed. 'What happened?'

'He made me play golf again. Honestly what is it with the Scots and golf?'

'You lost?'

'Archie designed his own course. Only problem is that the putting green is on an island in the middle of the loch. It took me three hours just to hit the ball far enough to land there.'

'Water traps are a pain aren't they?'


	116. Slime time

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 339 - Green

Ianto had coped with a lot of things, and he came to accept, even expect, most of it.

Dirt, blood, dust, entrails, rotting flesh, mould. All of that he could deal with.

But slime was another matter entirely. He hated slime.

Usually green, felt disgusting, smelled even worse, and never ever came out of clothing.

It served no purpose as far as he could tell.

Their most recent addition had managed to eject vast quantities all over the cell walls.

Ianto was unimpressed.

Then it oozed out through the holes, onto the floor. And his shoes.

Now it was personal.


	117. Green, green grass of home

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 339 - Green

It was a long wait out in the beacons for Jack and Tosh to return with the SUV.

Ianto lay down in the cool grass and stared at the pale blue sky. The air was clean and crisp. For a moment he closed his eyes and enjoyed the peace. Behind his eyelids the tranquil verdant scene remained. It could have been minutes or hours. He wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not.

He heard a pair of shoes come to a stop by his head and opened his eyes.

'I hate the bloody countryside,' moaned Owen.

Not dreaming then.


	118. Fast car, slow traffic

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 339 - Green

Jack huffed in the passenger seat, slumping down and putting his foot up on the dash.

'You know,' said Ianto, 'for someone who's lived as long as you have, you have very little patience.'

'Argh! Green means go!' Jack shouted.

'So does red when you're driving.'

'And now it's red again! We haven't even moved!'

'There are twenty other cars in front of us blocking the intersection.'

'Which wouldn't be there if we'd got back before peak hour, Grandma!'

'Lead foot!'

'Parking meter payer!'

'Double yellow line parker!'

'Give way junkie!'

'Road hog!'

'Stop arguing, you're making me horny!'

'Typical.'


	119. Discounting the obvious

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 339 - Green

'What is that?'

'I don't know.'

'It's green and furry.'

'It doesn't look good.'

'It doesn't smell good either.'

'How long has it been there?'

'Not sure. It's been a while since I last went through here.'

Gwen tipped her head and look at it thoughtfully.

'It's probably harmless. Could be Owen's.'

'True, he's been known to keep experiments in our fridge when his cabinet in the lab is full.'

'Owen! Is this yours?'

Owen came and inspected the object.

'Huh,' he said, pulling it out and binning it. 'Wondered where I'd left that pizza.'

'Well, we were half right.'


	120. Are you smarter than a seven year old?

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 339 - Green

The device had regressed Tosh to a child

Gwen and Ianto were babysitting while Jack tried to fix the device.

Tosh sat quietly making a replica of the Eiffel tower out of Mecchano.

'Look what I got you Tosh,' said Ianto, 'frog in a pond!'

She eyed the cup curiously.

'Why is the jelly blue?'

'Because that's the water in the pond.'

'It should be green, silly. Then when the frog jumps in the pond it can't been seen by predators.'

'Right. Why didn't I think of that?'

'Can't fault the logic of a seven year old genius,' Jack remarked.


	121. Green with envy

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 339 - Green

Jack knew that his boyfriend was hot.

What he struggled with was when other people thought his boyfriend was hot.

He'd used his charms for years to get what he wanted. Ianto was not afforded the same liberties.

Girls he could live with. A few cute smiles and eyelashes fluttering. Ianto took it all in his stride.

But when a fit young blonde man started with the flirtations, Jack stepped in and rather rudely made a point of demonstrating that Ianto was altogether unavailable.

Ianto smirked amused.

'Did the green-eyed monster get the better of you Jack?'

'No', he lied.


	122. Faking it

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 340 - Spiders

Jack had decked out the hub for Halloween. Everywhere there were fake cobwebs, pumpkins and skeletons. There was even a life size grim reaper.

The whole thing creeped Ianto out.

Walking into Jack's office, he caught him scoffing lollies out of a Jack-o-lantern.

Ianto eyed the spiders adorning his desk.

'Relax Ianto, the spiders are fake, see?' he said, picking one up.

Ianto squirmed.

'But Jack-'

'C'mon you work for Torchwood! You've faced worse!'

He waved it near Ianto's face as he flinched

'Um, Jack?'

'What?'

'That one's actually real.'

'Huh?'

Furry legs wriggled in his hand

'Argh!'

'My hero.'


	123. Time creeps slowly

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 340 - Spiders

It was getting late as Jack and Ianto sat in his office finishing off reports.

Well, at least one of them was.

Ianto was always amazed at how many creative ways Jack could come up with for avoiding paperwork. He was sat there idly watching a spider that had appeared from nowhere, inexorably creeping across the length of the desk.

'Jack, you need to finish those.'

'Why?'

'If you don't finish your reports we don't go home, and if we don't go home...' He quirked an eyebrow at Jack.

'Yeah alright. Time to go spidey you're ruining my sex life.'


	124. Peculiar novelty

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 340 - Spiders

Jack grinned as the waiter delivered their meals. Two chicken avocado baguettes, one cappuccino and a lime spider.

Ianto eyed him curiously.

'You know,' said Jack, biting into the baguette, not pausing, 'first time I was here was 2007. We had lunch just here. Me and Mickey and Rose and the Doctor. Good times.'

He eyed the drink sadly.

'Then the Slitheen had to come along and try to blow up the city.'

'The earthquake? The rift? That was the Doctor?'

'Yep. Still,' he said, regaining his smile, 'ice cream in soft drink, who'd have thought? I love this planet!'


	125. Uninspiring death

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 340 - Spiders

It was her first proper boardroom meeting since joining.

'So Owen,' Jack began, 'what are the results of the autopsy?'

'Nothing exciting. Guy died from a spider bite.'

'Seriously?'

'Yup. Toxicology report confirmed it. Australian funnel web. Not native to the UK. Just a plain old ordinary death.'

'Huh, well that's boring. And we don't do ordinary. Kick it back to the coroner.'

'No worries boss.'

Gwen was confused.

'Sorry,' she interrupted, 'but what part of that was ordinary? Man killed by exotic spider venom?'

Owen smirked.

'Chill out newbie, this is Torchwood. Soon enough you'll be begging for ordinary.'


	126. What's black with eight legs?

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 340 - Spiders

They were all still laughing when Jack entered the boardroom. Despite his immortality it seemed that he wasn't going to be able to live this one down.

'Okay,' said Gwen, ' What's black with eight legs, a nose, a tail and is the most terrifying thing in the universe?'

'Spider mice!' they all cried, falling into another fit of laughter.

As if on cue, the small fury creature scampered across the table.

'I told you to get rid of all those!'

'Bet this is one of those traumatic childhood experiences,' mocked Owen.

'Might be,' Jack said defensively crossing his arms.


	127. Introducing Colin

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 340 - Spiders

'Who's afraid of the big spider mouse? '

'Hey, they're creepy, okay! Harmless, but creepy.'

'I think they're cute,' said Tosh.

'Me too,' agreed Gwen.

'And clever,' added Ianto. 'This one managed to escape the cage twice,' as it curled up in his hand. 'His name's Colin.'

'No. No one's keeping any of them! You want a pet, find some other vermin. Lord knows this place has enough. Normal Earth vermin.'

'Come on, Jack. Would you say no to that face?' pleaded Gwen.

He wasn't sure if she was referring to Ianto or Colin, but suspected he'd lost this battle.


	128. Pie high

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 341 - Pie

Jack let out a grunt of annoyance as he got smacked in the head by a custard tart.

Bernie Harris was huddled on the ground next him, taking shelter behind the shop counter. Jack vowed that he'd find Bernie a nice quiet cell at Torchwood where he couldn't cause any more trouble.

'I thought it was someone's car keys, I swear!' cried Bernie.

The re-animator device had sent everything in the patisserie flying about the room. Cherry pie filling seeped down the wall like blood.

'Could've been worse,' Jack admitted., 'you could have set it off in a hardware store.'


	129. Impossible pie

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 341 - Pie

Ianto peered carefully into the box before taking downstairs.

'Owen, someone's sent us a present.'

'Who?'

'Dunno. There's no return address.'

'Okay. So what's the present?'

'A pie. Apple from the smell of it.'

'Nice one. Well, what are you standing around for? Go get us some plates.'

Ianto set the box down and retrieved the crockery.

As he went to cut into the pie, it quivered oddly.

Suddenly Jack's vortex manipulator went crazy, beeping loudly. He inspected it and quickly snatched the box from Ianto's hands.

'Hey!' yelled Owen.

'That's no pie, Owen. Damn shape-shifters, that's twice this week!'


	130. Sweet surrender

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 341 - Pie

It looked ridiculous, having a pie sitting on the floor in the middle of the cell, but the shape-shifter stoutly refused to reveal it's true identity.

'You gotta admit,' said Jack, crossing his arms, 'not the best of disguises for getting into Torchwood. What was it planning on doing?'

'Guess it didn't count on the voraciousness of Owen's appetite. Not sure that's what it had in mind when it thought to "divide and conquer".' Ianto quipped.

'What do we do if it stays like that?' Gwen asked.

'Don't know. We could always threaten to drown it in custard, I suppose.'


	131. After dinner honesty

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 341 - Pie

Jack watched Ianto carefully across the table. Something was bothering him.

A home cooked dinner followed by dessert should have been the perfect end to the day.

Instead he watched him idly pushing apple pie around his plate with the fork.

Jack reached across the table, clutching his hand.

'What's going on with you? You've barely spoken two words all night.'

He kept his eyes downcast, refusing to meet Jack's.

'Why are we trying to do normal?'

Jack looked confused.

'I thought that's what you wanted.'

'So did I. But normal isn't us.'

'What do you want?'

'You. Just you.'


	132. Time to say goodnight

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 342 – Foreign Language

Movie night was not going to last.

Only half way through and Jack could tell Ianto was too tired. He lay curled up on his couch with the cushion hugged tightly under his head.

Jack turned the TV off.

'Alright bedtime for you.'

'Mphf,' he muttered.

'C'mon, up you get.'

'Ngh.'

'You want to spend all night on the couch?'

'Mmmh.'

'Suit yourself,' Jack replied, grabbing the throw rug and covering the young man.

'Nos da.'

'That's goodnight in Welsh, yeah?'

'Hundr'd forty years you finally learn Welsh,' Ianto murmured.

Jack kissed his head

'Ha ha, cheeky. Nos da cariad.'


	133. Say what?

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 342 – Foreign Language

'It says "refrigerate after opening".'

'Well, that's all a bit anticlimactic,' Gwen observed.

'Sorry, can't help it. It is what it is.' Jack replied.

'I just thought, you know, being an alien language it might say something interesting.'

'Lots of languages out there, all saying the same thing.'

'Exactly how many languages do you speak?'

'Don't know. Lost count. Translate more than speak.'

'Tosh?'

'Three. English, Japanese, and high school German.'

'My aunt's Polish, so I can speak a little bit.'

'Ianto?'

'Welsh, obviously, Japanese, French and Spanish.'

'What about you Owen?'

'Iway eakspay igpay atinlay.'

'Pig Latin doesn't count.'


	134. Would you

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 342 – Foreign Language

Jack had been waiting for Ianto to return from the tourist office for over half an hour.

What in earth was taking him so long?

Taking matters into his own hands, he made his way up there.

When he arrived he found Ianto chatting amiably in French with three attractive girls.

They all looked at Jack and Ianto said something which made them all titter and laugh.

After handing them a few maps with neat directions hand written on them they went on their way.

'So,' Jack leered, 'voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?'

Ianto grinned. 'Always,' he replied.


	135. Junk mail

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 342 – Foreign Language

'What did you do?'

'Nothing!' Owen protested. 'I swear Tosh, I was about to open the tox report and this came up.'

The screen was full of wingding type text.

'Tosh!' Jack called walking out of his office, My computer just crashed.'

'Must be connected to this,' she said, pointing at Owen's screen.

Jack peered at the screen.

'Huh, we've been spammed.'

'What, you can read that?'

'Alien email spam.'

'What does it say?'

'Don't think I should say. Ooh, that's just naughty!' he said continuing to read.

'Ianto and I should really try some of this later on though.'


	136. Wishlist

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 343 - Blue

Jack cringed as the car pulled up at their murder scene.

Lucia caught the look on his face as she hopped out.

'You really don't like the Volvo, do you?'

Jack made no bones about Torchwood's choice of vehicle. Even for the seventies it was ugly and uninspiring.

'Why can't we have a cool car?'

'Define cool.' She was teasing him now, knowing how much he enjoyed it.

'Tall, black, blue flashing lights. Enough space for a weevil, and other activities...'

'You've been watching too much James Bond. We're meant to be secret!'

'One day, Lucia! One day!' he retorted.


	137. The bluebird chronicles

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 343 - Blue

'I got attacked by a bluebird in the cells.' Owen said.

'I suppose it could've gotten in through the invisible lift,' Tosh mused.

'That's impossible.' Ianto replied. 'Bluebirds aren't native to Europe. The only bluebirds in Cardiff are the kind that play football.'

'Since when are you interested in football?'

'Unlike you, I grew up here. I also have a suspicion about your mystery bird.'

They all gathered down in the cells and watched the tiny bird.

Ianto held up two of his shirts, one red, one blue.

The bird flew over landing on the red shirt, chirping.

'Hello Jack.'

'How exactly did Jack end up a bird?'

'Screwing around with something he shouldn't have again?'

'Didn't you notice him missing earlier?'

'We all got home late last night. I don't think any of us was in a state to notice. And Jack's always disappearing,' Ianto said giving the bluebird an accusatory stare.

It chirped back defensively.

He wrapped his hand around it and placed it in a small cage, where it chirped even more angrily. 'Keep that up and Myfanwy will have you for a snack. If you won't be useful and help us fix this, then shut up.'

The little bird chirped endlessly to gain their attention. Gwen hated to admit it but it did a very good impression of ask barking orders at them.

'We need to be sure it's definitely him.'

'And how are we going to do that?' asked Owen, crossing his arms impatiently.

'Okay Jack. One chirp for yes and two for no. Got it?'

Chirp.

'Are you definitely Captain Jack Harkness?'

Chirp.

'Do you know what happened to you?'

Chirp chirp.

'Oh come on, Tosh, this could be a load of bollocks. Could just be coincidence. Ask him some real questions.'

'Like what?'

'Alright Harkness, supposing it's you, who's The Doctor?'

'That's not a yes/no question!' cried Gwen. 'How's he going to answer that?'

Jack pecked at the cage. Ianto reluctantly opened it.

Jack flew across the hub, over to the bubbling jar containing the doctor's hand and landed on top.

'Okay. Have you ever snogged any member of the team?'

He chirped once and flew over to perched on Ianto's shoulder.

'Right, last question. Would you shag me?'

'Good grief,' muttered Ianto.

A flurry of chirps followed. Owen rolled his eyes.

'I don't think we need a translator for that. It's him.'

'I've been tracking CCTV to determine what happened. So far I've traced back five hours, where he somehow got through security from level twelve archives and up to level four cells where Owen found him.'

'Right, where is he?' Gwen demanded. 'He's not in his cage and he's eaten my blueberry muffin! And if that's not bad enough, he was also kind enough to leave a little present in its place on my desk! So long as he's in this state, he's not leading Torchwood.'

'Don't make a sound,' Ianto whispered into his lapel. 'Your life may depend on it.'

Ianto arrived at his flat after a long day. They were still no closer to determining what had happened to Jack.

He unbuttoned his jacket and carefully scooped Jack out of his pocket where he'd been snoozing most of the afternoon.

'Fat lot of good you've been today. Nice for some to get some sleep after last night,' he moaned, putting Jack down on the corner of the pillow, before flopping onto the bed in an exhausted heap. Jack felt a twinge of remorse for the team's dilemma.

Ianto was already asleep when Jack moved to nestle against his hair.

When the alarm clock went off at six, Ianto didn't stir.

Jack had already been awake for hours, seemingly operating on bird time zone. As it was, he'd had to fight the urge to start chirping loudly at four in the morning. Chances were Ianto wouldn't have appreciated it, no matter how musically talented Jack seemed to be.

When the alarm went off again twenty minutes later and he still hadn't moved, Jack pecked at Ianto's nose. He received a grumble for his trouble and a hand that tried to whack him all the way to Newport.

Jack squawked indignantly.

That morning Jack was zipping about the flat, refreshed from so much sleep, and rather enjoying being able to fly around.

'If you keep that up, I'll tell Tosh you want to stay that way.'

A deflated chirp responded and he came to rest on the kitchen counter.

'So, breakfast? I'm guessing scrambled eggs are off the menu. Pancakes then? Not sure we should let you have coffee. Besides you seem hyperactive enough without.'

More enthusiastic chirping followed by something that sounded like agreement with his comment about eggs.

If he wasn't careful he might almost become fluent, thought Ianto.

After a week, the team fell into a familiar pattern.

Jack found he rather enjoyed the attentions of his team and their empathy at his current state.

He would ride around on Ianto's shoulder until he grew bored with whatever task Ianto was meticulously attending to.

He would sit on Tosh's desk where she would stroke his feathery chest, and toy with the tiny keyboard she was working on for him.

He put up with Owen's examinations and tests.

He'd even come to a truce with Gwen after the muffin incident, and she now happily shared her food with him.

When the rift alert came through, Gwen called the shots. She'd taken over as temporary leader and Jack seemed content to let her.

Ianto extracted Jack from his breast pocket.

'You stay here.'

Jack protested to no avail, Ianto's grip on him was firm but gentle.

'Jack you can't. If you get squashed in a struggle with a weevil I'd never forgive myself.'

'He's right, Jack,' Owen added, 'we have no idea even if your ability to regenerate still works in your current state.'

Jack continued his tirade and wasn't about to let up.

Begrudgingly they took him with them.

As they approached the alleyway Gwen pulled over. They all piled out of the SUV and began gearing up.

Just before they departed for their weevil chase, Ianto opened the SUV door and tossed Jack inside before quickly slamming the door shut.

'End of the road Jack. We'll handle things from here.'

He'd agreed to let Jack join them, he just hadn't said how far.

Jack squawked furiously as he flapped against the window.

'You know, it's altogether possible that he's an even more gung-ho pain in the arse now than when he was human.'

No one disagreed with Ianto.

When they had subdued the weevils and clambered back into the car it was a grumpy Jack that greeted them. He even had the cheek to peck sharply at the back of Ianto's ear, resulting in his prompt stuffing into the glove compartment.

It had all gone quiet as they reached the hub. Ianto suddenly worried that Jack may have suffocated.

'Jack?'

A small sulky chirp greeted him.

'Are you ready to accept the limitations of your current state?'

Another subdued chirp.

Ianto opened the flap. Even as a bird, he looked miserable.

'Don't worry Jack, Tosh will fix this.'

Eventually through careful cross-referencing their CCTV footage and archiving catalogues they were able to determine exactly where Jack had been and the device that had caused it.

Owen had offered up several white lab rats to experiment on until they were certain they'd gotten the reversal process correct.

How Jack had set it off and why he'd been down there remained a mystery. Gwen's research indicated that birds didn't have good memories.

Later, Ianto found newly cured Jack standing on one of his favourite roofs.

'Haven't you had enough of heights lately?'

'No, but this time I can share it.'


	138. Something fishy is going on

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 344 – Fish

Tosh was staring into the pool at the base of the water tower.

'Whatcha doing?' asked Owen.

'I saw a fish!'

'Rubbish!

'No, I swear it was there. The pool drains out into the bay. I suppose it's possible that one swam back up the pipe.'

'Tosh darling, if there's fish in there I'll bare my arse in Queen Street.'

On cue, a fish broke the surface before slipping away.

'Bugger me,' Owen remarked retreating.

Jack appeared from the shadows, smiling at Tosh.

'That wasn't wrong, was it Jack?'

'It's only wrong if we get caught. I'll fetch the camera!'


	139. The magic ingredient

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 344 – Fish

He could hear Jack approaching. Honestly, he really needed to try harder.

'Are those?'

'Yes, they are tuna special, and no, you're not going to find out what makes them special.'

Jack huffed and left Ianto to finish making his sandwiches.

Once he was certain Jack was gone and he was concealed from the cameras, he let slip the tiny bottle of tabasco putting a single drip into the bowl of Japanese mayonnaise, before spreading it onto the other side of the bread.

Ianto's sandwiches were renowned for a reason. Jack wasn't the only one who got to keep secrets.


	140. Bad breath

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 344 – Fish

The disused cannery down by the docks was not ideal for hunting down a hoix.

The whole place still reeked of rotting mackerel and mildew.

'I remember coming here once on a school excursion,' Gwen noted. 'The place smelled so awful I held my nose for the entire three hours.'

A low growl came from behind some nearby machinery.

'What have you got that I can feed it?' asked Jack.

'Um,' she said, patting down her pockets. 'Chewing gum?'

'That'll do. Besides, if it's joining us in the back of the SUV, might not hurt for it to have minty breath.'


	141. Cardsharp

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 344 – Fish

Jack, Gwen, Ianto and Tosh were huddled together in darkness.

'Do you have any fours?' Tosh asked.

Jack raised his eyes to meet hers.

'Go fish.'

Owen approached and beamed his flashlight at them.

'What are you doing?'

'Playing cards.' Gwen replied.

'Go fish?' Seriously?'

'I wanted strip poker, but I got vetoed three to one.' Jack complained.

'Six hours to kill, what were we supposed to do?'

'Only because some bright spark got a little trigger happy, thought his corpse was emitting highly contagious spores and put the whole place into lockdown.'

'Yeah, well better safe than sorry, right?'


	142. Unpaid invoice

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 345 – Cake

The phone startled him.

'Hello?'

'Can I speak with Jack Harkness, please?'

Ianto looked around.

'He's not here, can I take a message?'

'Yeah, it's Ieuan from Fantasy Cakes. Just following up on an unpaid invoice.'

Ianto was perplexed.

'Let me just check our records,' he said reaching for a folder of invoices, and flicking to the "F" section. He didn't recall placing an order.

'Ah, here it is,' he said, then paused to read the details, eyebrows raising higher with each word.

'Sorry, but what does it mean when it says "fee for personal insertion prior to delivery"?'


	143. No ordinary cake

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 345 – Cake

Ianto re-read the invoice again.

Vanilla sponge, chocolate frosting, blue sprinkles, personalised greeting. Dimensions 4ft by 4ft by 5ft. What kind of cake was this?

'Yeah, he was quite specific about that. Didn't want one of our regular strippers in the cake, wanted to do it himself. We get requests like that sometimes. Costs extra because of the insurance and all.'

'Right, ah, well, everything looks to be in order here, just an oversight on our part. You'll have the cheque tomorrow.'

'Brilliant, cheers mate. This Ianto Jones bloke's going to be in for a shock, eh?'

'Mmm,' Ianto agreed.


	144. Best intentions

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 345 – Cake

When Jack returned, Ianto entered his office.

'Anything happen while I was out?'

'All quiet, just the one message.' Ianto handed him a blank cheque.

'A guy called Ieuan from Caerphilly following up payment for something you ordered. He also said he needed to set up an appointment with you on the nineteenth.'

Jack started to panic.

'Did he say why?'

'No, I just assumed you knew. I can call back for details if you need?'

'No, that's fine. I'll speak to him.'

'Okay.'

As Ianto left Jack breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn't ruined Ianto's birthday surprise.


	145. Lying in wait

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 345 – Cake

When Ianto woke on his birthday it was with slight trepidation.

He was going to have to face Jack's "birthday surprise".

It was difficult not to smirk when Jack made his excuses to leave, and Ianto secretly hoped that the others might be called out on a rift alert by the time Jack returned.

If they knew about it, they were keeping a tight lid on it, which made Ianto suspect they didn't. They were useless at keeping secrets.

He couldn't decide if he was embarrassed to have the others there, or if he wanted Jack's surprise all to himself.


	146. Wrapped up with a bow

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 345 – Cake

When the giant box arrived at reception Ianto could barely contain his mirth, knowing what was inside.

Getting it to fit into the lift was another matter. He almost wanted to curse Jack.

The team gathered around, intrigued.

He felt his face going red at the attention.

They oohed and aahed at the extravagantly large cake, and various exclamations as Jack exploded from the top, grinning madly, but fortunately fully dressed.

'Happy birthday Ianto!'

After much celebration, everyone went home.

'Thankyou.'

'You're welcome.'

'Jack?'

'Mmm?'

'How are we going to eat all this cake?'

'Let's worry about it tomorrow morning.'


	147. Best gift of all

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 345 – Cake

Jack's attention was drawn to the hand placing something on his desk.

'What is it?'

Ianto rolled his eyes.

'It's a cupcake.'

'I can see that. But why does it have a candle in it?'

Ianto perched on the edge of Jack's desk folding his arms.

'Well, it took a bit of research, and six months for Tosh's computer programs to work it out, but today is your birthday.'

Jack was stunned. He'd calculated the date once years ago but hadn't bothered to observe it for decades. And Ianto was spot on.

'Thankyou. But the best birthday gift is you.'


	148. Poker face

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 346 – Fold

Jack was starting to regret his earlier bold assertion.

In his head he could hear Ianto's voice taunting him. "Best poker face in the Vegas Galaxy."

He looked at the Welshman sitting across from him, missing only jacket and tie, but otherwise fully clothed. Jack on the other hand, down to his briefs.

Use it to your advantage, he thought, attempting to distract Ianto with his near nakedness. Ianto calmly continued on, immune.

'I fold,' Jack declared, stripping completely.

'How do I know you didn't intend this all along?'

'I didn't, but are you complaining?'

'Nope. I win either way.'


	149. Let 'em fold' em

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 346 – Fold

It was a slow day at the hub when the suggestion went round for a paper folding contest.

Jack forfeited to act as judge.

Owen made a pirates hat, drawing skull and crossbones on it before placing it on his head.

Gwen made a windmill and poked her pen through it, blowing to make it spin.

Tosh, of course, created a beautiful Japanese paper crane.

'You won't top that, Teaboy. Not even favouritism from the boss will win you this one.'

Ianto produced a tiny origami version of Myfanwy.

'This is bollocks!' Owen cried, throwing down his hat in disgust.


	150. Read all about it

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 346 – Fold

Ianto nearly spat his coffee out when he opened the newspaper.

Taking it down to Jack's office he dropped it on Jack's desk.

'You've excelled yourself. Western Mail, front page, above the fold.'

Jack picked it up and examined the headline

"Comprised. Mayor caught out in legislative council chambers."

The accompanying photo showed Jack bent over the mayor in a position that didn't require much imagination.

'That would have been just before we were about to be skewered by that alien hummingbird thing yeah?'

'As I recall.'

'Wouldn't worry about it. Politicians are used to being stabbed in the back.'


	151. Starved of attention

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 346 – Fold

Jack tapped his foot impatiently.

'C'mon, what's the hold up? I'm starving!'

'I'll be up in a minute. Breakfast can wait.'

'It might, but I can't.'

'Well, if you folded your clothes from last night instead of leaving them in a heap on the floor, I wouldn't have to fold them all now.'

'Who cares? I'm not wearing them.'

'I care.'

Jack groaned in frustration.

Ianto was folding them extra slow, just to punish Jack.

'If you don't hurry up I'm coming down there, and then you'll have another pile of my clothes on the floor to have to fold.'


	152. Badge of honour

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 346 – Fold

Jack's breath caught in his throat as he picked up Owen's lab coat and began folding it.

Now all it represented was a bundle of possessions that would be locked away for eternity in a box down in the archives.

As his hand brushed over the assortment of badges adorning the coat, the tears he'd been trying to hold back came pouring down his face.

Owen had died because of him.

Him and Toshiko.

Beautiful Tosh who'd died in his arms.

And poor Owen who'd died alone. No assurances, no goodbyes. Just cold, unforgiving death.

Jack would never forgive himself.


	153. Cashing in

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 347 - Silver

Jack stuck his head out of his office as he watched Ianto stride past with a box full of silverware.

'Whatcha doing?'

'Spring cleaning. The archives are overstuffed with harmless earth based tat. If we don't find a way to be rid of some of it were going to have to start tunnelling to Swansea.'

'So what's the plan?'

'This lot's going off to the antiques roadshow next weekend for valuing. Should be able to auction it off for a reasonable price.'

'Good thinking. Might even be able to balance the budget with the proceeds.'

'Fancy coming along?'

'Why not?'

Jack wasn't quite sure what to expect at an antiques roadshow. Plenty of people and plenty of bizarre objects.

Getting restless of queuing with Ianto and their silverware, he strode off to inspect some other items.

'Excuse me, sir?'

Jack spun around. 'Me?'

'Yes, is that a genuine WW2 great coat?'

'Yup.'

'My goodness, do you know how valuable that is? And you're wearing it?' She seemed quite incredulous.

'How much, do you think?' Jack asked.

'Well, in that condition, maybe two thousand pounds.'

Jack re-joined Ianto.

'Apparently my coat is worth two thousand pounds.'

'Don't be ridiculous, it's priceless.'

It had been a successful day at the roadshow, and they were now £5,400 richer.

Making their way across the lawns of the castle and towards the exit, a familiar hooded figure caught Jack's eye.

'Bernie Harris! Fancy seeing you here. And what's this?' Jack said, swiping the object from Bernie's grasp, scanning it

'Hey! It's my Gran's!'

'You're a terrible liar. Let's see. 13th century, alien alloy, soaked in rift energy. Your gran must be ageing well! Current earth value estimated at zero, but I do know someone who'd be interested.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah, us. Pleasure doing business as always.'


	154. Runner up

/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 347 - Silver

Jack had been putting off clearing out his bottom drawer for years, but Ianto had given him an ultimatum he couldn't refuse.

The others watched on, not wanting to miss anything interesting.

Most of it was just junk. Old reports that were never filed, a ping pong ball, a beanie, one of Ianto's old diaries.

Something caught Gwen's eye.

'Is that a medal?'

'Silver. 1964. Badminton doubles.'

'You did not win an Olympic medal,' decreed Owen.

'I did. Charles was a hotshot at badminton. I just thought he was hot. It was a good excuse to spend more time together.'


	155. Silver is for

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 347 - Silver

Jack was at the table eating breakfast when Ianto came in and kissed him on the temple.

'Happy anniversary Jack,' he said, laying a small box on the table.

Jack opened it eagerly. Inside was a pair of airplane shaped cufflinks.

'Twenty five years is a silver anniversary, so I thought these could replace the ones you lost all those years ago.'

'You know I've quite gotten to enjoy all these quaint earth traditions. Christmas, Easter, St Patrick's Day, Pancake Tuesday. But I have to say anniversaries are my favourite.'

'Why's that?'

'Because I get to celebrate being with you.'


	156. Lessons learned

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 347 - Silver

Jack detested working for Emily Holroyd. He detested even more having to accompany her on a mission.

She was still lecturing him when they were flanked on both sides by their quarry.

Jack raised his gun in the standoff.

'Don't bother, dear boy,' Emily chastised, 'They're vampires. Only a silver bullet will kill them,' she said, firing her pistol and dropping the nearest one to the ground dead.

'That's why it pays to do your homework.'

Another lurched forward and Jack fired. It dropped dead.

'Seems lead bullets work too. That's why it pays not to believe anything you say.'


	157. Cooking up trouble

When Ianto returned to his flat he heard clattering in his kitchen.

'Jack, what are you doing?'

'I'm cooking.'

'Cooking what exactly?'

'Lasagne.'

'Since when do you know how to make lasagne?'

'Oh, ye of little faith! My landlady in new York taught me. Nonna Riccardo. Little old Italian woman. Ran a restaurant back in Treviso. Her family came out after the war, but none of her sons wanted to continue the family trade, so her tenants were wrangled into the kitchen.'

'You do have a colourful history.'

'Now, was that two teaspoons of oregano or two tablespoons?'

'Jack!'

'Kidding!'


	158. This might sting

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 348 – Weevil

'Ouch!' Ianto cried.

'Don't be such a wuss,' griped Owen, as he dabbed at the gashes across Ianto's shoulder. 'You've had far worse. Honestly, why can't you two do dating like normal people?'

He paused for a moment.

'No, I take that back, you two are so far from normal, this is normal.'

'Ouch!' Ianto cried again.

'For heaven's sake, it's just a weevil scratch!'

'Yes, but what are you using on it?'

'It's bog standard antiseptic. See,' he said thrusting the bottle towards Ianto.

'This is concentrate. You're meant to dilute it.'

'Yeah, I knew that.' Owen replied sheepishly.


	159. Getting to know you

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 348 – Weevil

Height. Check.

Weight. Check.

Sex. Check.

Approximate age. Check.

Distinctive features. Check.

Name. Blank. Hmmm….

'Jack?'

'Yup?'

'What are we calling this one?'

Jack folded his arms, contemplating the creature in the cell. It leered back at him, growling a low menacing growl.

'Frankenfurter.'

'Seriously?'

'Why not? We've got Janet, and we used to have Brad. Seemed like the logical choice.'

'Naming it after a sexually ambiguous transvestite? Doesn't quite tie in with the boiler suit look.'

'That's just the Monday to Friday attire. Who knows what he looks like in his Saturday night get up.'

'I shudder to think.'


	160. Get the party started

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 348 – Weevil

Gwen's phone trilled.

'Andy! What's up?'

'We've got a breaking and entering you might want to check out.'

'What's a B&amp;E got to do with Torchwood?'

'Trust me. You're going to want to see this one.'

Andy wasn't wrong. A local costume shop now contained four weevils dressed in the most outrageous of clothes.

'Oh,' Tosh exclaimed.

'There's not enough bleach in the world to rinse my eyes out,' Owen moaned.

Jack looked slightly disappointed as he watched one loping about with a feather boa.

'I don't know about you guys, but she really doesn't do Shirley Bassey any justice.'


	161. Take my advice

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 349 - Banana

It was with reluctance that Ianto went to see Owen. Alright, in truth, Jack had made him go. He'd been feeling tired and run down for nearly two weeks. More than usual, anyway.

Owen, to his credit, carried out his examination without fuss or preamble.

'You're anaemic,' he diagnosed, 'take these,' he said holding out a bottle of multivitamins, 'and this,' proffering a banana.

Ianto looked at the banana, raising an eyebrow.

'I though an apple a day kept the doctor away?'

'This isn't about keeping the doctor away, it's about keeping the patients away. Specifically, my patients. Now go.'


	162. Stating the obvious

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 349 - Banana

One day Ianto was going to give up on trying to teach Jack Welsh.

In front of him was a bowl of fruit, and he was testing Jack.

He raised an apple in his hand, and looked questioningly at Jack. Jack squirmed under the scrutiny.

'Um,' he said, letting the silence hang in the air.

'Afal.' Ianto repeated, putting it down and picking up a pear.

'Pearal?' Jack said, knowing he'd just made that up.

Ianto sighed. 'Gellygen'

Ianto reached for a banana.

'Ha,' Jack exclaimed, snapping his fingers and pointing wildly, 'I know this one. Banana!'

Ianto rolled his eyes.


	163. Chow down

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 349 - Banana

Ianto had a busy morning out buying supplies and picking up deliveries, so he'd missed lunch with the team by the time he'd gotten back.

Walking back into the hub he picked up a banana along the way and headed straight into Jack's office to run through some urgent reports.

He was nibbling at it in between files when Jack dropped the file on his desk, startling him.

'Do you have to do that?'

'Do what?'

'The banana.'

Ianto looked at him blankly.

'It's very distracting watching you eat it.'

'Can you leave your innuendo out of my lunch? '


	164. Put your feet up

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 349 - Banana

Ianto had come to see how Jack was getting on.

'What are you doing?' he asked, noticing Jack's new addition.

'Catching up on reports,' he replied blithely.

'Why are you lying on a banana lounge to do it?'

'Owen said I had to stay off my feet while my ankle knitted itself back together. I figured I might as well be comfortable at the same time. All I need now is some sunshine and a sexy young man to keep the drinks coming.'

'Coffee then, is it?' Ianto replied.

'Good man, Pablo!'

'Just don't think I'm bringing you fresh towels.'


	165. On the case

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 350 – Unloved Characters

'Gerald! How's it hanging?' Jack greeted him brightly.

'Fine thank you, Jack. Is that another one of those futuristic turns of phrase you're so fond of?'

'Twentieth century, actually.'

'Hmmm, must not have come into fashion just yet,' Gerald mused, 'Ah, morning Harriet,' he said, changing the subject.

'Morning Gerald, Jack. I've got that file you were after.'

'Excellent,' he replied, giving her a brief smile.

Jack refrained from rolling his eyes. For all his flirtations, Harriet only had eyes for their leader, oblivious as he was.

'What's that?' Jack asked.

'Your new assignment. Undercover agent for a traveling show.'


	166. Goodbye to you

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 350 – Unloved Characters

Despite having agreed to it in some sense, Jack's stomach now roiled in protest.

He wanted to undo the decision.

Instead he inhaled deeply and made his way over to the car.

'Do you have everything you need?'

'Yes,' she replied.

'Documents?'

'Torchwood sorted everything, new passports, licence, bank accounts.'

'I'll send you money.'

'Don't worry, Torchwood's sorted that too.'

'Daddy!' the little girl cried.

'Hey sunshine! Daddy's gotta stay here and take care of some things. I'll see you in a little bit.'

Lucia met his eyes, and he knew he wouldn't see her for a very long time.


	167. Scaredy cat

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 351 - Stars/Stripes

p dir="ltr"Jack was leant back in his chair when the furry black creature flashed across his desk./p  
p dir="ltr"The next thing he knew he was flat on his back on the floor./p  
p dir="ltr"'Jaaaaackkk,' Ianto called, shaking his shoulder gently./p  
p dir="ltr"Jack blinked a few times./p  
p dir="ltr"'Why do you look all twinkly?'/p  
p dir="ltr"'That'll be the stars from your whack on the head. What happened?'/p  
p dir="ltr"Jack lay back, confused, until a small squeak interrupted./p  
p dir="ltr"Colin, the spider mouse was perched on his chest./p  
p dir="ltr"'Argh, get it off, get it off!" Jack cried./p  
p dir="ltr"Ianto scooped up the tiny creature./p  
p dir="ltr"'Did you scare Jack again?' he cooed./p


	168. On the bright side

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 351 - Stars/Stripes

There were more stars and stripes in the room than Jack had ever seen congregated in one spot since the war.

That was the problem with homeland security conferences, 50% British military, 30% U.N.I.T, 14% Home Office public servants and only 1% Torchwood.

'Remind me again, why I couldn't just send you to this thing?' Jack asked.

'I do believe that as the leader of the only active Torchwood office, your attendance is considered mandatory.'

'Great,' he huffed. 'So what do we do for fun?'

'Well, they did book us a very nice hotel suite.'

'Ah, things are looking up!'


	169. In the dark

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 352 - In the dark

A/N - Drabble #200! Written in honour of PC Andy who, poor thing, has never gotten his very own drabble from me. Until now. The perfect prompt for everyone's favourite policeman! :)

Andy had always wanted to be a policeman.

Even now he loved the job, but it had lost a little of its gloss when Gwen had left him to join Torchwood.

And despite now knowing what Torchwood did, and that his city was potentially full of creatures from other worlds, he felt like he knew less about what went on than before.

Torchwood would stall him at every corner, every crime scene, always with some pithy excuse which left officers in the dark, and case files unresolved.

One day he'd get the better of Torchwood and their flashy Captain, he thought.


	170. A first meeting

A/N - Written for TW 100 Challenge 352 - In the dark

She knew he was taking her to see the murderer, that's what he'd said.

When they stepped into the room she couldn't see anything, yet she knew she wasn't alone. The presence of something lurking there in the dark caused her to tense and the hairs on the back of her neck to stand on end.

The captain flicked a light switch and suddenly there it was. A creature first hidden in the darkness, now seemed to be darkness and evil itself.

What was it? Fear and curiosity mingled together.

'It was born on a different world and it's real.'


	171. A lurking problem

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 352 - In the dark

'I'm not going,' Owen protested.

'Whyever not?'

'Because it's cold and dark and underground. God only knows what's down there.'

'That's kinda the point,' Jack retorted. 'All the rift spikes point to this location and this series of caves so whatever it is, it's down there somewhere.'

'I don't do tunnels.'

'The London Underground?'

'That's different!'

'Underground tunnels full of strange creatures,' Ianto observed.

'They're still human.'

'Mostly.'

Jack and Gwen began making loud clucking noises.

'Fine Owen,' Jack replied. 'You stay here and be ready to stun or catch the creature once we flush it out.'

'Wait! I'm coming!'


	172. Keeping secrets

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 352 - In the dark

At first Gwen had thought maybe Jack was being genuine. Now she wasn't at all sure.

She'd stared at the envelope before pulling its contents and was then interrupted by Andy's phone call.

Now, sitting there in the café with the GPS it all became blindingly obvious. Who would've sent her a package? People didn't even know where she worked.

Of course it had to have been Ianto.

Now it made sense.

He'd tried talking to Jack after their meeting. He knew something she didn't, and Jack was intentionally keeping her in the dark about it.

What was their secret?


	173. Confronted

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 352 - In the dark

'And just so you know, I have a daughter called Alice and a grandson called Steven, and Frobisher took them hostage yesterday.'

It shouldn't have shocked Ianto, but he couldn't help the feeling of cold emptiness that clutched his heart at Jack's confession.

He was well aware that Jack had kept him in the dark about much of his past, but even something in his not so distant past caused Ianto to reevaluate just how transient their relationship was.

If he was just a speck in time, what right did he really have to share in all of Jack's memories?


	174. Hidden in the darkness

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 352 - In the dark

Ianto was creeping stealthily through the archives in near pitch darkness.

'Marco,' he called quietly.

'Polo,' responded the familiar voice.

He was close by.

Ianto stopped and strained to hear Jack's movements, waiting for the soft rustling of clothing to give away his position. It was a hard ask. Still, this time he might yet outfox the fox.

'Marco,' he called again.

'Polo,' the voice replied loudly, now sounding far away.

How had he gotten that far away so quickly?

'Jack, if you're using your vortex manipulator to cheat, you'll be on decaf for a week.'

Arms suddenly grabbed him.

'Polo!'


	175. Bad day

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 353 -Birthday

Things hadn't gotten off to a great start.

One of their current residents had slimed all over Gwen's favourite sneakers when she tried to bring food down to their cell.

Later, she and Jack bungled their so-called coordinated attack to detain a rogue weevil, resulting in them crashing into one another, and the weevil slicing a hole in her jacket.

Later still, Owen and Ianto had been delayed coming back from Newport on a suspected ghost sighting, so coffee of any calibre was unavailable.

All they needed now was for the world to end.

Happy Birthday to me, Gwen thought.


	176. A sticky situation

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 353 - Birthday

Ianto was sat in the SUV trying desperately hard not to laugh.

'It's not funny,' ordered a grumpy Jack, hair still tangled in sticky mess.

Ianto burst out in a fit of laughter, unable to contain himself any longer as he looked across at Jack's face. Minutes passed before he could compose himself sufficiently.

'I've seen it in movies, but never actually thought someone could get a cream pie smashed in their face.'

'That Vraxian is not a registered refugee, not to mention his right to be entertaining at kids birthday parties.'

'He was quite entertaining.'

'You wanna walk home?'


	177. Reading between the lines

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 355 - Old friends

Ianto to hadn't expected to run into any of his old friends from London. Not in Cardiff, anyway.

'Ianto, mate, what are you doing back in Wales?'

'My job in London didn't work out.'

_Daleks and cybermen destroyed Torchwood One and killed just about everyone._

'That's a shame. So, what are you doing now?'

'Government job. Admin mostly.'

_Still working for Torchwood, fighting aliens, saving the world every other day._

'Good-o. Seeing anyone?'

'There's someone, just casual though.'

_He's gorgeous, he's immortal, he's my boss, and we have the most amazing sex on the planet._

'Well, good seeing you!'

'Likewise.'


	178. Under the guise of an enemy

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 353 - Old friends

Jack knew there were old friends, and there were old friends.

John Hart was the second kind. Actually, old fiend, would have been more accurate.

Part of him wanted to punch the man into the middle of the next galaxy, but if not for John, he'd still be buried underneath modern Cardiff, or whatever was left of it after Gray had finished with it.

Perhaps he had meant well in finding Gray. What happened after that was out of his control. He didn't have to come back, but he had. He'd saved Jack.

Perhaps old friends came in different guises.


	179. Empty closet

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 356 - Boxes

He sat on the floor looking as forlorn as the boxes that sat on the floor with him.

After weeks that had felt like years he'd finally moved the boxes of Lisa's things from the closet. They hadn't even been opened since moving back to Cardiff.

They'd been boxes of hope waiting like unwrapped presents.

Having Lisa back would have been better than any Christmas.

The knock at the door broke him out of his despondent stupor. It was time.

He swallowed hard as he watched the last remnants of his old life disappear in the back of a truck.


	180. Boxing it up

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 356 - Boxes

Jack was reading over reports when Ianto entered his office unnoticed, and picked up Jack's coffee mug which was perched on top of a small box on his desk.

'Don't!' Jack cried.

But it was too late.

As soon as the weight was lifted from the box, it started moving across Jack's desk.

They both watched the bizarre spectacle.

'You didn't?' asked Ianto.

'I did,' Jack replied defiantly.

The box reached the end of the desk and toppled over the edge, displacing a slightly concussed Colin.

'If that creepy little creature comes in here again, I'll feed him to Janet.'


	181. Buying in bulk

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 356 - Boxes

Ianto's fortnightly delivery of supplies arrived as usual.

What was unusual was the number of boxes. Far more than seemed necessary for what he'd ordered.

He extracted the delivery docket and compared it to his original purchase order.

Halfway down the page he stopped, and checked again. Did he need glasses? Who would order five thousand metal pencil sharpeners?

'Jack? Know anything about this?'

'Oh, good they're here. Remember that creature we found in Cathays last week? It seems to have a taste for them.'

Ianto raised an eyebrow.

'And you know this how?'

'Trust me. You don't wanna know.'


	182. It's all about the packaging

A/N - Written for TW100 Challenge 356 - Boxes

Babysitting four year old Gwen and Owen was even harder than adult Gwen and Owen.

The hub was no place to keep small children, which meant the three of them spent more time stopping them causing havoc, than they did trying to fix the problem.

Jack was at the end of his tether, and stormed out of the hub.

'Where are you going?' asked Ianto.

Jack returned an hour later with a miniature playground set.

After that, peace descended on the hub.

'Did they like it?' Jack asked Ianto.

'No, but they've had hours of fun playing with the box.'


	183. Is this really necessary?

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 356 - Boxes

Jack had never been a fan of paperwork.

Luckily for him, Ianto handled most of the mundane stuff.

Even so, certain things had to be done by him and him alone.

Write here, tick this, complete that.

He'd been filing in the form for what felt like hours.

Honestly, how many boxes could you put on a form? He was going to be here until midnight at this rate.

'How's it going?' Ianto asked, bringing him a fresh coffee.

'I'm still trying to figure out why we have to fill in a census form because we live at the hub!'


	184. Hit the road Jack

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 357 - Dinosaur

Gwen watched Jack with scepticism.

If she tried really hard, she thought she could remember seeing one in her great uncle Huw's garage.

'Why are we bothering with this?' she asked.

'It fell through the rift. That kinda makes it our department.'

'No, what I mean is, it's just old earth rubbish.'

'It's a classic! 1927 Piccadilly roadster.'

'It's a relic!'

'It's gorgeous!'

'Maybe for some old dinosaur!'

'You mean an old dinosaur like me?' Jack grinned.

Gwen pouted at him.

'You know that's not what I meant.'

'We'll restore her. Can't wait to take Ianto out for a spin!'


	185. A matter of taste

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 357 - Dinosaur

'What did you say this was again?' Jack said, looking up from his plate across the table at Ianto.

Ianto huffed.

'If you're going to be like this, I'll stop cooking for you.'

'No, no,' Jack apologised, 'I am genuinely interested.'

Ianto looked at him quizzically.

'Salt Marsh Lamb,' he answered, watching Jack, gauging his reaction.

'Huh,' Jack replied.

'Why?'

'Reminds me of the roasted dinosaur if had once.'

'After the asteroid crashed? You know, I always hoped you were lying when you said that.'

'When you're stuck at the end of the earth, you take what you can get.'


	186. More fool me

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 358 - Revenge

Tosh hates April Fool's Day, because at Torchwood it goes on for the better part of a week. No one is satisfied until they've sought revenge on the last person, or persons, who played a prank on them.

Worse still, whenever someone decides to up the ante, rather than it becoming more elaborate and sophisticated, it degrades into the most childish acts imaginable.

Super glue, whoopee cushions, permanent ink, screws missing from tables and chairs, there seems no end to it.

Eventually, a serious rift alert happens, and everyone reverts back to normal.

Tosh hopes it comes early this year.


	187. Getting your own back

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 358 - Revenge

The jar of caramel filled chocolates is a gift from Rhys. The only problem is that there are significantly fewer in the jar than the last time she looked. She also knows that a certain Captain has a very sweet tooth.

She wouldn't normally bother about it, but when Owen suggests his idea, some little vindictive part of her enjoys it.

She's left just one chocolate in the jar, knowing he's not beneath taking it.

Now the jar is empty and she waits.

A yelp issues from Jack's office.

'Hot! Hot! Water!'

That will be the chilli oil Owen injected.


	188. Beans means

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 358 - Revenge

Ianto spends a lot of time buying coffee. And rightly so, because his taste is impeccable and only the best will do.

Despite that, he also spends an inordinate amount of time buying bad coffee.

Yes, when someone is being punished, only the very worst of the instant decaffeinated will suffice. He spends hours perusing the shelves of Asda and Sainsburys for the cheapest and nastiest tasting.

After all, would the team ever learn their lessons unless their punishment befit the crime? This was correcting bad behavior.

In Ianto's opinion, sometimes revenge was best served hot. With milk and sugar.


	189. What did you say?

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 359 - Balls

Owen arrived late as usual.

'Can I get you some balls, Owen?' Ianto greeted.

'Sorry?' He must have misheard.

'Balls. I imagine you must need some.'

Owen was about to deck him when Jack appeared.

'Ianto,' Jack said, frowning and handing him back his mug.

'What's wrong? I thought you liked my balls?'

Jack burst into laughter, so hard he had to wipe the tears from his eyes.

'What's going on?' Owen asked, as Ianto left.

'We went to a magic show last night. I convinced them to hypnotise him and replace the word "coffee" with "balls" for a week.'

* * *

The team took endless amusement in Ianto's predicament. More so because he himself had no idea he was even doing it.

It was a little cruel of Jack to have done it, but God it was funny.

'I'm just popping out to get some balls,' he declared, and they all fell into fits of laughter again.

'Why?' asked Owen.

'Have you seen what Jack's like when he doesn't have any balls?' Ianto replied, 'It's not pretty.'

The laughing became a crazed wailing. Gwen was slapping the desk hard.

They've lost it, he thought, not understanding what they were laughing about.

* * *

Later that afternoon Ianto was stood at the coffee machine, enjoying the patient artistry of fixing his favourite brew.

Jack came and joined him.

'Steaming hot balls. Could there be anything better?'

'No, I really don't think there could be,' Jack replied bemusedly.

'Can I get you some?'

'I'd love some balls, I mean, coffee,' Jack replied, correcting himself.

Ianto rolled his eyes at Jack.

'Can't you keep you mind out of your pants for just five minutes?'

'You do make it terribly hard.'

Jack hadn't realised the unintentional pun until Ianto slapped him.

'No more balls for you, now.'

* * *

Ianto only discovered Jack's prank by accident.

He was reviewing CCTV from the past few days, wanting to know why the team were acting so strange. Alien gas maybe?

What he saw mortified him.

'Jack, do you care to explain this?' he asked, showing him the footage.

Jack laughed. It was still as funny as the first time.

'You remember that magician who did the hypnosis thing?'

'He hypnotised me and replaced the word balls with balls?!'

Ianto squeezed his eyes shut. 'I just said it again didn't I?'

'Yup,' Jack said, grinning.

'Please tell me you can stop this.'

* * *

Ianto pondered his situation. It had surprised him just how often he used the word coffee every day. Now he needed to come up with a solution.

The time for plotting revenge on Jack would come later. Right now he had to get through the next few days with as much dignity as possible.

'What if I tried saying balls?' he asked.

Jack frowned at him in confusion.

'I'm guessing that didn't work?'

'What did you try to say?'

'I tried it in Welsh.'

'Nope, turns out your subconscious is too smart for your own good.'

'Damn it,' Ianto cursed.

* * *

Ianto's post hypnotic suggestion eventually wore off as promised after a week.

In the meantime he'd had to endure endless attempts by Owen and Jack to try and trick him into saying the word coffee. At least Gwen and Tosh sympathised.

It was only the disappointed sound of Owen that signalled the end of his torture.

'Ianto, where are you hiding the biscuits these days?'

'In the cupboard, next to the coffee.'

'Bollocks.'

'Why?'

'You just said coffee. Must mean you're back to normal.'

'Good, because that's as close as you and Jack will get to coffee for a month.'


	190. Waiting on the line

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 360 - Blink

Jack stared intently at the device, blinking occasionally.

The tiny light blinked innocently back at him. He blinked back again.

Sometimes it felt as if they were in synch, then it changed. Was it blinking faster now or was that just his imagination?

He realised that this was all his fault.

'Jack, what are you doing?' Gwen asked, looking at him curiously as he stared at his phone sitting on the desk.

'Ianto and I arranged a phone sex date while he's in London at that UNIT conference. Only I forgot to charge my phone earlier and now it's dead!'


	191. Fighting off fear

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 360 - Blink

Jack had resigned himself to the fact that Colin wasn't going anywhere.

Ianto had taken a liking to him and that was that.

He was just going to have to get over his fear of spider mice.

He grabbed Colin's holding cage and placed it on his desk. Maybe some quality time together would help.

'Why don't you blink? That's just creepy.'

The bulbous little creature just stared back innocently.

'You think you can psych me out?' Jack growled softly.

Colin squeaked and it made Jack jump.

'You may have won this round, my friend, but I'll win the war.'


	192. Get a grip

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 360 - Blink

'This thing's on the blink again,' muttered Owen, shaking the reinforced glass jar.

'Hey, watch what you're doing with that!' Jack yelled, casting a severe glance in Owen's direction.

'Yeah, yeah, don't get your knickers in a knot. All I'm saying is that the power on this thing is dodgy.'

'It'll be fine,' Jack reassured.

'Would help if I knew how it works properly.'

'It'll be fine,' Jack repeated.

'You ever going to tell me why we're keeping a hand? Whoever's it is?'

'It's important for the future.'

'A hand that can save the world?'

'More than you know, Owen.'


	193. Embrace the sunshine

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 361 - Sunrise

They've been out here all night.

Despite the gloves, scarf, beanie and coat, Ianto is frozen right down to his bones.

The weather takes some getting used to, but perched on the edge of the coast, the icy chill of the wind coming off the Bristol Channel can destroy even the most resilient Welshman.

Finally darkness begins to give way to light, and the first shards of sunlight slash through the bitter cloud.

The rays, though weak, feel like a radiant heat against his body and renergise his waning spirit.

The feeling of cold melts away like a distant memory.


	194. Another day

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 361 - Sunrise

Being confronted by aliens and having to save the planet from total destruction every other week, you'd think Torchwood operatives would have a better appreciation for the little things in life.

Unfortunately, it's just as easy, if not easier, for them to get caught up in the day to day minutiae of their lives and all its chaos.

It's only sitting here now, atop the Millennium Centre with its burnished copper glow and the sun just peaking over the horizon, casting a glittering light across the bay that they realise they've ensured the world is here to witness another sunrise.


	195. Something worth sacrificing

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 361 - Sunrise

It's hard enough to get a proper night's sleep most nights working for Torchwood.

For Ianto it's even harder, because when everyone else goes home, he's still here tidying up after them.

It doesn't help that he and Jack often make a late night of things all of their own accord. But when Jack is trying to haul him out of bed at 4am for no good reason, it's only the infectious joy on Jack's face that convinces him.

Watching the sunrise from atop the Millennium Centre, wrapped in Jack's arms, he decides it was worth forgoing the extra sleep.


	196. Three words

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 362 - Love

'I love you.'

'Don't.'

Jack couldn't bring himself to say it back, because he knew it wouldn't mean what it was meant to. It should have meant I love you with all my heart. Instead it would just mean goodbye, and he couldn't.

He'd never said it properly before, and he didn't want this moment to be the memory he held of when he'd first said it. It didn't matter that his head was screaming it over and over and over again.

If this was the end, he wouldn't waste it with words. He loved Ianto too much for that.


	197. Head over heels

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 362 - Love

Ianto hadn't seen it coming.

All of a sudden Gwen had pounced on him, shoving him against the wall, kissing him fiercely.

Ianto caught sight of Jack coming out of his office just as he'd managed to push Gwen away.

'I promise you, it's not what you think!' he exclaimed, flustered.

'Okay, so it's not that Gwen got too close to that pink alien box, soaked up a whole lot of pheromone receptors, is now completely enamored with you, and wants to shag the living daylights out of you?'

'Right, well in that case, it's exactly what you think, then.'

* * *

Gwen was refusing to go home. She wouldn't go anywhere unless Ianto was going with her, and her preference was a hotel room with a very large bed.

Rhys was furious. It was all he could do to pull Gwen away from clinging on to Ianto.

'I like you mate, but if you so much as try anything with my Gwen, I'll rip your balls off.'

'Hey,' Jack intervened between the pair, 'no one is going to be touching Ianto's balls unless it's me.'

'Thanks, Jack. I never thought I'd actually be glad to hear you say that in public.'

* * *

Ianto had tried being nice about things, but it turned out there was only so much of Gwen's attentions he could put up with.

More than once he'd thought he wouldn't have minded if she'd become attracted to Jack instead. He had enough sense these days not to encourage her further.

He would have especially preferred it when she'd sat on his lap and shamelessly groped him. It was embarrassing and not at all turning him on, despite her determination and technique.

He shoved her away unapologetically.

'Having fun?' smirked Jack, enjoying the spectacle.

'Just shut up and fix this.'

* * *

The pheromone receptors eventually wore off of their own accord.

Gwen was mightily embarrassed at her own behaviour and had been following Ianto around, apologising at every opportunity. She'd also called Rhys to apologise, and had already booked them a nice hotel room of their own for the night, to make it up to him.

'I still can't believe that happened. If I'd known, I'd never have gone near that box. Lucky I picked you, I guess.'

'Just be glad Jack didn't want a threesome.'

'No chance of that,' Gwen replied, 'I wouldn't have shared you.'

Ianto smiled. 'Apology accepted.'


	198. Defining love

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 362 - Love

Ianto had come to realise that there were different types of love.

For example, he loved the heady smell and rich bitter taste of coffee.

He loved when all of his reports sat completed and neatly stacked on his desk.

He loved being snuggled under the duvet on a rainy Sunday morning.

But loving Jack was something else entirely. It was like feeling all of those things simultaneously, as if Jack were the embodiment of happiness and warmth and security.

He'd have given up all those other things if it meant that he could keep Jack.

This was true love.


	199. Mystery disappearances

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 363 - Missing

Ianto had become accustomed to most of Jack's histrionics and peculiarities, although he referred to them as "unique qualities" in conversation for the sake of politeness.

However sometimes things just got plain weird.

Like Saturday morning, when Jack had volunteered to sort the laundry. That in itself was weird. What came next was weirder still.

'Jack, why are you scanning my tumble dryer with your vortex manipulator?'

'My socks are missing. That's the third time in two months. Socks go in, socks never come back out. It's either aliens, or your tumble dryer contains a rift in the fabric of time.'


	200. Nothing's missing

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 363 - Missing

Jack waltzed through the hub, arms laden with shopping bags.

'Since when does Jack Harkness do the grocery run?' Owen asked.

'Since it's date night. Don't want to spoil the surprise.'

He unloaded the contents onto his desk. Whipped cream, chocolate sauce, marshmallows.

'Ooh! I love hot fudge sundaes!' cried Tosh excitedly.

Owen scoffed loudly. Bless Tosh, but she was naive sometimes.

'I don't think that's what he has in mind,' Owen replied, then added, 'you are a sick man Harkness. Don't expect me to stick around here for rift duty tonight.'

'Come on, you don't know what you're missing!'


	201. Missing each other

A/N - Written for the TW100 Challenge 363 - Missing

Rhys had learned to get used to Gwen's comings and goings. However the last few weeks they'd hardly seen each other.

Like ships in the night, they kept missing one another.

Rhys's alarm goes off at seven. Just as he's finishing off the last mouthful of toast he crosses paths with Gwen in their hallway as she heads straight to bed, still in her filth covered clothes.

Later than afternoon, Gwen calls Rhys to let him know she's headed out again and probably won't return until morning. It's shepherd's pie for one again tonight.

Despite everything, he still loves her.


End file.
